COLUMBIA,
SC — Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of
adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads "Smokeable
essential oils."
"See babe! It's just like the diffuser you have,
but a little more direct," explained Mr. McIlvaine to his wife. "Oo, a
Padron! This one is good for arthritis, I think. Probably fixes Celiac
disease too!"
An outraged Mrs. McIlvaine pushed back on his
audacious claim of a cigar fixing arthritis, but Mr. McIlvaine simply
asked to see what evidence she had that lavender cured diabetes. "Hey,
fair is fair," said Mr. McIlvaine. "I'll continue agreeing that this
vague scent of lemon can cure smallpox, so long as we can agree this
lovely Rocky Patel cigar here will lower my cholesterol."
Mr.
McIlvaine reportedly conceived the idea after seeing his wife order an
essential oils set, which came in a box shockingly similar to a humidor.
"That was when I realized, essential oils are just cigars for women,"
said Mr. McIlvaine. "Women feel a need to unwind, so they light up,
breathe the fumes, and make the whole house smell. It's the exact same
experience. The only difference is the delightful smell of tobacco
versus some weird herb."
At publishing time, Mr. McIlvaine reportedly had lit up a Monte Cristo in order to fix his male-pattern baldness.
A family friend my sons went to school with shared this:
Proud Daddy Moment.
Both of my daughters have cell phones (hold your judgement). Chloe got a phone call from a telemarketer the other day. She answered the phone "Chloe's mortuary and pizzeria, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?" The telemarketer hung up. (Wiping a happiness tear from my eye) I am so proud of her!
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used. So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything.
@PappyJoe; Interesting slice of history. It is common knowledge that people are taller today than in Roman times, so it follows that horse's asses are wider today than in Roman times. Therefore, it stands to reason that, I have no idea where i'm going with this.
Comments
COLUMBIA, SC — Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads "Smokeable essential oils."
"See babe! It's just like the diffuser you have, but a little more direct," explained Mr. McIlvaine to his wife. "Oo, a Padron! This one is good for arthritis, I think. Probably fixes Celiac disease too!"
An outraged Mrs. McIlvaine pushed back on his audacious claim of a cigar fixing arthritis, but Mr. McIlvaine simply asked to see what evidence she had that lavender cured diabetes. "Hey, fair is fair," said Mr. McIlvaine. "I'll continue agreeing that this vague scent of lemon can cure smallpox, so long as we can agree this lovely Rocky Patel cigar here will lower my cholesterol."
Mr. McIlvaine reportedly conceived the idea after seeing his wife order an essential oils set, which came in a box shockingly similar to a humidor. "That was when I realized, essential oils are just cigars for women," said Mr. McIlvaine. "Women feel a need to unwind, so they light up, breathe the fumes, and make the whole house smell. It's the exact same experience. The only difference is the delightful smell of tobacco versus some weird herb."
At publishing time, Mr. McIlvaine reportedly had lit up a Monte Cristo in order to fix his male-pattern baldness.
You are not an idiot. FJB=F**k Joe Biden. After thinking it over, you may be a little slow, but not an idiot.
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=420674713561622
Think nothing of it now, Lad. It happens to the best of us. By the best of us I mean me.
Hilarious one with nervous Nancy
I'm glad the photographer caught her on a day when she looked her best!
I will not be responding to that survey.
Think of a thick Boston accent and say "where are my Khakis" twice real fast.
One of my dad’s favorites was “Joe’s Mortuary, you stab’em, we slab’em”.
Interesting slice of history. It is common knowledge that people are taller today than in Roman times, so it follows that horse's asses are wider today than in Roman times. Therefore, it stands to reason that, I have no idea where i'm going with this.
If today's "horse's asses" were in Roman times, they would be the ones walking behind the chariots to sweep the horse shit off the roadways.
Many corrupt politicians back then didn't live long once they were caught.
Well at least sweeping horse shit off the roadway is honest work.
😂🤣😆🤣😂🤣😆😂🤣🤣😆😂😅