Shits & Giggles (Jokes)

Wolf41035

OK I sense tension and seriousness in this forum, how about we all tell a few classic jokes to ease the tension?  We can even throw in some new jokes.
Not sure how the admins feel so lets try to keep them clean.

PappyJoe

See my St. Peter and the anti-smoker discussion.

drac2485

Just remember don't giggle and shit

Wolf41035

Got jokes there PappyJoe?

CretinDan

What's the difference between Cirque du Soleil, and the Rockettes?

Well... One is a Cunning Array of Stunts....

Wolf41035

@drac2485 That would be messy! 
 

PappyJoe

@wolf41035 - I just have to find one that is appropriate for the age group on here. 

Wolf41035

@PappyJoe I hear that and one that won't get you into trouble with admins.

PappyJoe

I got one. Only those who served in the Navy may be offended so it's okay to post.

USS Wasp: USS Wasp calling vessel approaching at 2 miles. Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to south to avoid a collision.

USCG Cape Blanco: This is Cape Blanco. Suggest you change course 0.5 degrees to north.

USS Wasp: Cape Blanco we will not divert. Suggest you divert course.

Cape Blanco: Negative Wasp. We cannot divert. Please change your course at once.

USS Wasp: This is Admiral Johnson on the USS Wasp. We are a United States Aircraft Carrier. I order Cape Blanco to divert your course immediately. 

Cape Blanco: With all due respect Admiral, we're not budging. Cape Blanco Lighthouse out.

Wolf41035

LOL  Good one PappyJoe!

Corey562

I like that. That is a good one.

drac2485

@pappyjoe LOL

CharleneSTGLaneLTD

lol ...

Woodsman

OK Man's Laughter ;

A woman was brought before a  judge for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked "First Offender?"  "No." She said> "First a Gibson then a Fender."

PappyJoe

What did the buffalo say to his son leaving for college?


Bison.

Wolf41035

More great clean jokes, love them keep it up.   Everyone needs to laugh every so often!

SuppressedRage

A couple of Canadians came to the lower 48 to go hunting. They found a land owner that was willing to let them go hunting on his property. The land owner told them, "I can get to any piece of my land within 20 minutes, so once you fire a shot, wherever you're at, I'll get to you within 20 minutes". So the Canadians went on they're way. After several hours they realized that they didn't know how to get back to the landowners cabin, so they went ahead and fired a shot. They waited 20 minutes, no land owner, so they fired another shot. By this time it was starting to get dark and another 20 minutes went by so they fired again. Still, no land owner. Frustrated, tired and scared, the one Canadian said to the other, "you better try one more shot, aye". The other Canadian said, "I can't, I'm out of arrows".

PappyJoe

Pierre and Boudreax, two Cajuns who live down in the bayou decided to go hunting in the north - all the way above I-10 in Opelousas. As they were getting near the hunting lease, they saw a sign that read "Hunting Mule for rent." So they decided to stop and ask about the mule.

The farmer said, "Oh! My Mule loves to hunt just watch this. He turned the mule loose and said, "Squirrel."

The mule took off at a trot, got to a tree and stopped and pawed the ground 3 times.

The farmer said, "He sees 3 squirrels in that tree." 

Pierre and Boudreax looked up saw the three squirrels and shot them. How much to rent him for the morning they asked?

"$25 for the morning but I got to warn you don't let him get near the water." the farmer said. Pierre paid and they walked into the woods.

The mule would go to a tree, stop and paw the ground and Pierre and Boudreax would shoot the squirrels.

Things were going good until they came to a small bayou running through the woods. The mule waded out into the middle of the water and stopped and started splashing the water. Pierre and Boudreax tried everything the could to get the mule out of the water but he wouldn't budge so Pierre finally went back and got the farmer to come help.

The farmer walked back to the bayou with Pierre and said, "I told you not to let him get near the water."

That damn mule would rather fish than hunt.

Wolf41035

LMAO  these are getting real good, thanks guys, everyone needs to smile and laugh every now and then.

pipeman83

An attorney was questioning a coroner on the stand during a trial, the attorney asked the coroner: Doctor, are most of your autopsies performed on dead people. The doctor replied: yes the live ones seem to put up more of a fight.

Wolf41035

That is an oldie but goodie! 

CharleneSTGLaneLTD

lol

Mangoandy

I have kids who love puns. They call them "Dad Jokes" - enjoy them for what they are worth:

What did the old pirate say on his 80th birthday?
-Aye matey! (say it out loud)

What is the best time to go to the dentist?

-2:30 (tooth hurty)

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

-The wedding was awful, but the reception was perfect

Did you hear about the young high school chemistry student that attempted to mix oxygen and magnesium?

- O M G

Mangoandy

oops forgot one!

This guy went to the zoo. 

But this zoo only had one animal. 

It was a dog.

-

-

-

- (wait for it)

-

-

-

Yeah, it was a Shih Tzu.

Wolf41035

LMAO

Wolf41035

WARNING....LANGUAGE
 
 
A guy walks into a Bar, sits down orders a drink.
Bar Tender: How you doing tonight?
Guy: OK I guess.
Bar Tender: Hum, hard day at work?
Guy: Yeah very tense, just give me my drink! I will take a Gin.
Bar Tender: What kind of Gin do you want?
Guy: What do you mean what kind of Gin, just a Gin!
Bar Tender: There are three kinds of Gin.
Guy: OK What kinds?
Bar Tender: Oxygen, Hydrogen and Nitrogen. 
Guy: HA HA
Bar Tender: Thought you might like that.
Guy: OK Got one for you...
Bar Tender: OK Shoot.
Guy: Did you know there are three kinds of turds?
Bar Tender: NO?
Guy: Yeah, Mustard, Custard and you, you BIG SHIT!
Bar Tender: OK Wow
Guy: Give me my GIN! 
 
Hope you all liked that one.

Woodsman

Vegetarian- Ancient Native American word for "Bad Hunter.".

Wolf41035

@Woodsman OH HOW TRUE.   lol

dstrib

A doe walked out of the woods and said that is the last time i do that for two bucks.

tim12string

Why do lawyers wear neckties? So their foreskin won't pop up over their ears.

Wolf41035

LMAO  These are getting good!