The
mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried
the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she
consulted the family doctor.
The
doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop
the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for
her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give
her a box of condoms
Later
that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her
about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl
burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”
A man
went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The
preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man
said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars
in the offering plate!”
Brenda
and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After
examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.”
The next
morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee,
Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for
your father.”
One
night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo in Bendigo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 4th floor apartment, killing
him instantly.
Brought before
the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in
her own defense.
“Your
Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
A Doctor
was addressing a large audience in Tampa...
“The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago.
Red meat
is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG.
High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most
dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in
the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
Bob, a
70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a
breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who
hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His
buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him
and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend?
She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you
tell her you were only 50?”
Groups of
Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a
cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside
where many goats were grazing.
“These,”
she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer
produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry
old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
America Says Offer To Trade Biden For The Queen Still Stands
LONDON — Trade representatives in the United Kingdom were surprised
to learn that the offer made by the United States to trade President Joe
Biden for Queen Elizabeth II still stands, even after the Queen passed
away yesterday at the age of 96.
"We just assumed that the offer
was only valid as long as Her Majesty was still living," said Sir David
Cathcart, the recently appointed Minister of Human Trades for the
British government. "The offer was initially taken into consideration
quite seriously due to Mr. Biden being significantly younger than the
Queen, but after doing our research, it became evident that his mental
capabilities had degraded to a rather absurd level."
Officials
on the U.S. side of the trade proposal expressed hopefulness that the
British would still be willing to consider the trade despite the
longtime monarch's death. "It's got to be an even more tempting trade to
make now, right?" asked Dr. Nate Thomas, a high-ranking member of the
U.S. People Swapping Bureau. "I mean, come on, he's still alive, so that
has to count for something. I'm not saying you can trust him to make
any decisions or provide strong leadership of any kind, but he's still
got a pulse. That's a good deal, right? Right?! Come on, just take him.
Please?"
The U.S. government was reportedly prepared to sweeten
the deal by including congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and actor
Alec Baldwin in the trade, but this seemed to only scare the British off
even more.
At publishing time, word out of Great Britain
indicated the answer was still no. "I'm afraid not," Sir Cathcart said.
"Given the choice between a living Joe Biden and a deceased Queen
Elizabeth, we will stick with what we have and be better off."
@KA9FFJ It's not the football coaches fault. I had several coaches in high school who also taught in the classroom and none of them were liberals. Of course, this was back in the late 60s - early 70s.
I blame it on the socialist agitators and college professors who started indoctrinating college students in California and New York back in the mid-1960s.
WASHINGTON,
D.C. — With inflation and consumer prices continuing to skyrocket,
Democrats in Congress have proposed a brand new Inflation Reduction Act
to combat the inflation brought about by the first Inflation Reduction
Act.
"We are so proud of what we accomplished with the Inflation
Reduction Act, but now it's time to address the runaway inflation that
came about due to its passage," said Senator Chuck Schumer on the steps
of the Capitol this morning. "This new bill, which we've entitled the
'Inflation From The Inflation Reduction Act Reduction Act', will solve
the inflation problem. You're welcome, America!"
The gathered press reportedly threw their press badges in the air and cheered the heroism of the noble Democrat Congresspeople.
The
Inflation From The Inflation Reduction Act Reduction Act will spend an
additional $3 trillion, which is expected to keep the economy from
collapsing until after the 2022 midterms. Sources say a third of the
funds will go to Ukraine, with the rest going to solar panels in China,
Congressional pay raises, and 92 million new heavily armed IRS agents.
At
publishing time, Democrats are already looking to next year by drafting
the Inflation From The Inflation From The Inflation Reduction Act
Reduction Act Reduction Act.
Comments
Questions and Answers from
CARP Forum
CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People
Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under
Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're
pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your
glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out.
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your
car
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?
A: On their
foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember
these!"
SMILE,
You've still got your sense of
humor, haven't you?
Those are great, Brother. Even if the truth hurts a little.
Wives, we love em, but they can be a little cruel at times.
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo in Bendigo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 4th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa...
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
😂 Good one!
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
LONDON — Trade representatives in the United Kingdom were surprised to learn that the offer made by the United States to trade President Joe Biden for Queen Elizabeth II still stands, even after the Queen passed away yesterday at the age of 96.
"We just assumed that the offer was only valid as long as Her Majesty was still living," said Sir David Cathcart, the recently appointed Minister of Human Trades for the British government. "The offer was initially taken into consideration quite seriously due to Mr. Biden being significantly younger than the Queen, but after doing our research, it became evident that his mental capabilities had degraded to a rather absurd level."
Officials on the U.S. side of the trade proposal expressed hopefulness that the British would still be willing to consider the trade despite the longtime monarch's death. "It's got to be an even more tempting trade to make now, right?" asked Dr. Nate Thomas, a high-ranking member of the U.S. People Swapping Bureau. "I mean, come on, he's still alive, so that has to count for something. I'm not saying you can trust him to make any decisions or provide strong leadership of any kind, but he's still got a pulse. That's a good deal, right? Right?! Come on, just take him. Please?"
The U.S. government was reportedly prepared to sweeten the deal by including congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and actor Alec Baldwin in the trade, but this seemed to only scare the British off even more.
At publishing time, word out of Great Britain indicated the answer was still no. "I'm afraid not," Sir Cathcart said. "Given the choice between a living Joe Biden and a deceased Queen Elizabeth, we will stick with what we have and be better off."
I never thought of it that way, but it is perfectly reasonable!
We need to sweeten the deal even more!
I wonder if Kamala would seal the deal🤔
It's not the football coaches fault. I had several coaches in high school who also taught in the classroom and none of them were liberals. Of course, this was back in the late 60s - early 70s.
I blame it on the socialist agitators and college professors who started indoctrinating college students in California and New York back in the mid-1960s.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With inflation and consumer prices continuing to skyrocket, Democrats in Congress have proposed a brand new Inflation Reduction Act to combat the inflation brought about by the first Inflation Reduction Act.
"We are so proud of what we accomplished with the Inflation Reduction Act, but now it's time to address the runaway inflation that came about due to its passage," said Senator Chuck Schumer on the steps of the Capitol this morning. "This new bill, which we've entitled the 'Inflation From The Inflation Reduction Act Reduction Act', will solve the inflation problem. You're welcome, America!"
The gathered press reportedly threw their press badges in the air and cheered the heroism of the noble Democrat Congresspeople.
The Inflation From The Inflation Reduction Act Reduction Act will spend an additional $3 trillion, which is expected to keep the economy from collapsing until after the 2022 midterms. Sources say a third of the funds will go to Ukraine, with the rest going to solar panels in China, Congressional pay raises, and 92 million new heavily armed IRS agents.
At publishing time, Democrats are already looking to next year by drafting the Inflation From The Inflation From The Inflation Reduction Act Reduction Act Reduction Act.
God help us!