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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)



  • @mfresa;
    Those are great, Brother. Even if the truth hurts a little.
  • mfresamfresa Master
    @opipeman, yes, my wife sent those to me.  
  • @mfresa;
    Wives, we love em, but they can be a little cruel at times.

    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

    “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”

    “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”

  • If I were the prosecuting attorney, I would make the case that...

    'he was on the bottom, your Honor'

    Get it?

    Roll On Floor Laughing GIFs  Tenor


    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

    His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

    Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

    “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

    A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

  • Londy3Londy3 Master
    edited August 22
  • As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. 

    It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects. 

    I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

    As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.

    I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

    I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

    Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.

    There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.

  • vtgrad2003vtgrad2003 Master
    edited September 11
    America Says Offer To Trade Biden For The Queen Still Stands :D

    LONDON — Trade representatives in the United Kingdom were surprised to learn that the offer made by the United States to trade President Joe Biden for Queen Elizabeth II still stands, even after the Queen passed away yesterday at the age of 96.

    "We just assumed that the offer was only valid as long as Her Majesty was still living," said Sir David Cathcart, the recently appointed Minister of Human Trades for the British government. "The offer was initially taken into consideration quite seriously due to Mr. Biden being significantly younger than the Queen, but after doing our research, it became evident that his mental capabilities had degraded to a rather absurd level."

    Officials on the U.S. side of the trade proposal expressed hopefulness that the British would still be willing to consider the trade despite the longtime monarch's death. "It's got to be an even more tempting trade to make now, right?" asked Dr. Nate Thomas, a high-ranking member of the U.S. People Swapping Bureau. "I mean, come on, he's still alive, so that has to count for something. I'm not saying you can trust him to make any decisions or provide strong leadership of any kind, but he's still got a pulse. That's a good deal, right? Right?! Come on, just take him. Please?"

    The U.S. government was reportedly prepared to sweeten the deal by including congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and actor Alec Baldwin in the trade, but this seemed to only scare the British off even more.

    At publishing time, word out of Great Britain indicated the answer was still no. "I'm afraid not," Sir Cathcart said. "Given the choice between a living Joe Biden and a deceased Queen Elizabeth, we will stick with what we have and be better off."

  • @KA9FFJ;
    I never thought of it that way, but it is perfectly reasonable!
  • @vtgrad2003;
    We need to sweeten the deal even more!
  • @vtgrad2003, @opipeman
    I wonder if Kamala would seal the deal🤔
  • We'd still get the best part of the deal!
  • @KA9FFJ
    It's not the football coaches fault. I had several coaches in high school who also taught in the classroom and none of them were liberals. Of course, this was back in the late 60s - early 70s. 

    I blame it on the socialist agitators and college professors who started indoctrinating college students in California and New York back in the mid-1960s. 
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