EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a bizarre development, turtles around Ohio have reportedly been spotted hanging around pizza parlors and practicing a wide variety of martial arts.
"I'm telling you, the turtle could talk," said local woman Alisha Hill, who claimed to have seen a turtle emerge from the sewer. "He asked me which way to the pizza parlor, then ran away doing random front-flips. I know what I saw!"
"I'm pretty sure he even shouted, 'Cowabunga!'"
Though the mysterious turtle sightings were initially dismissed as a hoax, dozens of eyewitnesses have come forward with similar stories. "Our pizza joint was packed when one of these turtles came riding in on a skateboard and ordered four large pepperoni pies," said Jon Remy, owner of Paisano's Pizza. "Frankly, he was pretty juvenile. The last thing our town needs right now is a wave of monster turtles acting like little punks."
While many locals have described the turtles as a "frightening menace", local reporter April O'Neil has adamantly defended them. "They're young, ok? And they're only trying to help the city," explained Ms. O'Neil. "I have exclusive footage from last week showing these turtles helping ward off a group of dangerous lizard people trying to invade from D.C. They're heroes in a half-shell, so to speak."
At publishing time, reports had also surfaced that local rats were also taking a liking to martial arts, particularly "ninjutsu".
@Zouave The mental picture of having all that set up in the house is funny as shit! It'd be hilarious to have a cannon mounted at the top of my stairs!
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
Golden Oldie (Maybe the youngsters have not seen it?)
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON,
WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, YOU ARE INCORRECT! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, THEN YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU THEN OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, WHAT PLACE ARE YOU IN? (SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, YOU ARE WRONG AGAIN. HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIRD QUESTION:
(TRY TO DO THIS IN YOUR HEAD: DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.)
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 20.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.
WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1) NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BONUS ROUND
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS COMPLETED.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HE SAYS TO THE SHOPKEEPER, “I’D LIKE TO PURCHASE A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES/”
I know this should probably go in the World We Live In or the Politics/Society thread (because it once again shows the incompetence of the democrat party), but it's just so damn funny, I couldn't resist putting it here You really have to click on the link and look at the signing ceremony! What a bunch of bleeding heart, it takes a village, demtard shmucks!
City of Newark humiliated after signing trade deal and holding sister city ceremony with Hindu nation that doesn't exist
The Democrat-run city of Newark, New Jersey, recently formalized its sister city partnership with the Hindu nation of Kailasa. Evidently, city officials did not consult a map before doing so.
The "United States of Kailasa" does not exist. It is the invention of an accused rapist who has been on the run from Indian authorities since 2019 for child abduction and other crimes.
Newark residents have spoken out about Democrat officials' failed foray into foreign policy, questioning whether anyone at City Hall is capable of performing a simple Google search.
A sisterhood of deception
According to its website, the so-called nation of Kailasa "is the home and refuge for the international Hindu diaspora. ... The nation of KAILASA stands as the world's sole beacon of genuine Hindu self-governance and autonomy." The population of the fictitious realm that Newark had a fleeting relationship with is allegedly "100 million Adi Shaivites; 2 Billion practicing Hindus."
The fake nation has its own flag, emblem, national anthem, constitution, and passport.
India Today reported that Swami Nithyananda, the 45-year-old con man behind Kailasa, is a self-proclaimed god-man wanted in India on several charges of rape and sexual assault.
Nithyananda is believed to have escaped justice to a private island near Trinidad and Tobago in 2019.
The accused child rapist refers to himself as a "Supreme Pontiff of Hinduism" keen on "giving superconscious breakthrough to humanity, which is physically demonstrable through various power manifestations."
Nithyananda noted on his website that in January, "the United States of KAILASA and the City of Newark, New Jersey, USA, entered into a protocol bilateral agreement."
Unlike other claims, the accused rapist was not lying about the agreement, having included a host of images of Democrat Mayor Ras J. Baraka and other city officials celebrating the occasion in the company of purported Kailasa dignitaries at Newark City Hall.
Nithyananda said in his announcement of the agreement, "Today indeed marks an important beginning of collaboration between the United States of KAILASA and the City of Newark to further advance the broader bilateral agenda for a greater vision of world peace. With this protocol bilateral relations KAILASA looks forward to bringing its humanitarian services to the city of Newark and serve its community."
During the ceremony, Mayor Baraka said, "I pray that our relationship helps us to understand cultural, social and political development and improves the lives of everybody in both places, and helps us to understand where we are and who we are and our connectivity to one another, and helps us to become better people in this process — better people individually and as cities and nations."
Sisters no more
Susan Garofalo, press secretary in the city's communications department, told the Press Trust of India that after "we learned about the circumstances surrounding Kailasa, the City of Newark immediately took action and rescinded the sister city agreement" on Jan. 18.
"Based on deception, the ceremony was groundless and void," added Garofalo. "Although this was a regrettable incident, the City of Newark remains committed to partnering with people from diverse cultures in order to enrich each other with connectivity, support, and mutual respect."
Newark resident Jacob Rosario told WCBS-TV that the incident was "very embarrassing for the city."
"I truly don't even have words for it," said resident Atiyah Harris.
Resident Amaris Mitchell said, "I'm really sorry for the city that they got duped in that way."
"Whose job was it to do a simple Google search? No one in City Hall, not one person did a Google search, so maybe we need a transformation of City Hall 'cause not one person said, let me go and Google and figure out this was a fake city," Newark resident Shakee Merritt told WCBS-TV.
Matt Friedman pointed out in Politico that "Newark Mayor Ras Baraka is often mentioned as a potential candidate for governor in 2025. If he actually wants to run, this embarrassment won’t help him."
TheBlaze recently reported that the prospective gubernatorial candidate celebrated the installation of a monument Thursday honoring abolitionist trailblazer Harriet Tubman. The monument took the place of a statue of Christopher Columbus that Baraka and other iconoclasts had taken down.
At the time of the Columbus statue's removal, Barakas said, "The removal of this statue should not be perceived as an insult to the Italian-American community. It is a statement against the barbarism, enslavement, and oppression that this explorer represents."
In Columbus' travels, never did he encounter Kailasa.
Comments
EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a bizarre development, turtles around Ohio have reportedly been spotted hanging around pizza parlors and practicing a wide variety of martial arts.
"I'm telling you, the turtle could talk," said local woman Alisha Hill, who claimed to have seen a turtle emerge from the sewer. "He asked me which way to the pizza parlor, then ran away doing random front-flips. I know what I saw!"
"I'm pretty sure he even shouted, 'Cowabunga!'"
Though the mysterious turtle sightings were initially dismissed as a hoax, dozens of eyewitnesses have come forward with similar stories. "Our pizza joint was packed when one of these turtles came riding in on a skateboard and ordered four large pepperoni pies," said Jon Remy, owner of Paisano's Pizza. "Frankly, he was pretty juvenile. The last thing our town needs right now is a wave of monster turtles acting like little punks."
While many locals have described the turtles as a "frightening menace", local reporter April O'Neil has adamantly defended them. "They're young, ok? And they're only trying to help the city," explained Ms. O'Neil. "I have exclusive footage from last week showing these turtles helping ward off a group of dangerous lizard people trying to invade from D.C. They're heroes in a half-shell, so to speak."
At publishing time, reports had also surfaced that local rats were also taking a liking to martial arts, particularly "ninjutsu".
Oops, sorry, none of that.
The mental picture of having all that set up in the house is funny as shit!
Hell, it may come to that.
Shit, wait……that ain’t funny😳
Let’s hope that scenario doesn’t come to fruition.
Golden Oldie (Maybe the youngsters have not seen it?)
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON,
WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, YOU ARE INCORRECT! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, THEN YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU THEN OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, WHAT PLACE ARE YOU IN? (SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, YOU ARE WRONG AGAIN. HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIRD QUESTION:
(TRY TO DO THIS IN YOUR HEAD: DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.)
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 20.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.
WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1) NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BONUS ROUND
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS COMPLETED.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HE SAYS TO THE SHOPKEEPER, “I’D LIKE TO PURCHASE A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES/”
City of Newark humiliated after signing trade deal and holding sister city ceremony with Hindu nation that doesn't exist
https://www.theblaze.com/news/city-of-newark-humiliated-after-holding-sister-city-ceremony-with-hindu-nation-that-doesnt-exist
The Democrat-run city of Newark, New Jersey, recently formalized its sister city partnership with the Hindu nation of Kailasa. Evidently, city officials did not consult a map before doing so.
The "United States of Kailasa" does not exist. It is the invention of an accused rapist who has been on the run from Indian authorities since 2019 for child abduction and other crimes.
Newark residents have spoken out about Democrat officials' failed foray into foreign policy, questioning whether anyone at City Hall is capable of performing a simple Google search.
A sisterhood of deception
According to its website, the so-called nation of Kailasa "is the home and refuge for the international Hindu diaspora. ... The nation of KAILASA stands as the world's sole beacon of genuine Hindu self-governance and autonomy." The population of the fictitious realm that Newark had a fleeting relationship with is allegedly "100 million Adi Shaivites; 2 Billion practicing Hindus."
The fake nation has its own flag, emblem, national anthem, constitution, and passport.
India Today reported that Swami Nithyananda, the 45-year-old con man behind Kailasa, is a self-proclaimed god-man wanted in India on several charges of rape and sexual assault.
Nithyananda is believed to have escaped justice to a private island near Trinidad and Tobago in 2019.
The accused child rapist refers to himself as a "Supreme Pontiff of Hinduism" keen on "giving superconscious breakthrough to humanity, which is physically demonstrable through various power manifestations."
Nithyananda noted on his website that in January, "the United States of KAILASA and the City of Newark, New Jersey, USA, entered into a protocol bilateral agreement."
Unlike other claims, the accused rapist was not lying about the agreement, having included a host of images of Democrat Mayor Ras J. Baraka and other city officials celebrating the occasion in the company of purported Kailasa dignitaries at Newark City Hall.
Nithyananda said in his announcement of the agreement, "Today indeed marks an important beginning of collaboration between the United States of KAILASA and the City of Newark to further advance the broader bilateral agenda for a greater vision of world peace. With this protocol bilateral relations KAILASA looks forward to bringing its humanitarian services to the city of Newark and serve its community."
During the ceremony, Mayor Baraka said, "I pray that our relationship helps us to understand cultural, social and political development and improves the lives of everybody in both places, and helps us to understand where we are and who we are and our connectivity to one another, and helps us to become better people in this process — better people individually and as cities and nations."
Sisters no more
Susan Garofalo, press secretary in the city's communications department, told the Press Trust of India that after "we learned about the circumstances surrounding Kailasa, the City of Newark immediately took action and rescinded the sister city agreement" on Jan. 18.
"Based on deception, the ceremony was groundless and void," added Garofalo. "Although this was a regrettable incident, the City of Newark remains committed to partnering with people from diverse cultures in order to enrich each other with connectivity, support, and mutual respect."
Newark resident Jacob Rosario told WCBS-TV that the incident was "very embarrassing for the city."
"I truly don't even have words for it," said resident Atiyah Harris.
Resident Amaris Mitchell said, "I'm really sorry for the city that they got duped in that way."
"Whose job was it to do a simple Google search? No one in City Hall, not one person did a Google search, so maybe we need a transformation of City Hall 'cause not one person said, let me go and Google and figure out this was a fake city," Newark resident Shakee Merritt told WCBS-TV.
Matt Friedman pointed out in Politico that "Newark Mayor Ras Baraka is often mentioned as a potential candidate for governor in 2025. If he actually wants to run, this embarrassment won’t help him."
TheBlaze recently reported that the prospective gubernatorial candidate celebrated the installation of a monument Thursday honoring abolitionist trailblazer Harriet Tubman. The monument took the place of a statue of Christopher Columbus that Baraka and other iconoclasts had taken down.
At the time of the Columbus statue's removal, Barakas said, "The removal of this statue should not be perceived as an insult to the Italian-American community. It is a statement against the barbarism, enslavement, and oppression that this explorer represents."
In Columbus' travels, never did he encounter Kailasa.
Don’t take my comments too seriously. Post wherever you want as far as I’m concerned.
I wonder how many of those government Newark “dupes” were getting kickbacks somehow.
Happy St. Patricks day everyone!
The the top of the day to yourself.
Sláinte!