I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore….. I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was just one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest!
So Hitler waged war against the world for around six years. Then, in his bunker, he married his beloved Eva Braun. He killed himself the next day. . . . . . . . . Marriage is hard........
I doubt Hitler actually loved her, he just needed to exert power and be controlling. She was just another dog to kick around while she massaged his ego. He was a nut-case, freak, P.O.S.
Super Bowl Flyover Featuring All Female Pilots Running 20 Minutes Late
Feb 12, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
GLENDALE, AZ — The Super Bowl flyover team featuring exclusively female pilots has informed NFL officials that they are running a "little behind."
"We'll be right there! Sorry!" radioed pilot Amy Donaldson to an antsy crew at the stadium. "Just make yourselves comfortable!"
While television producers expressed dismay at the delay, the pilots promised they were getting ready as fast as possible. "The line for the bathroom is going as fast as it can," assured lead pilot Emily Rawls. "Believe me, we will step on the gas and show everyone some woman power just as soon as we can! Until then - wait, hold on now - did we all just show up in the same flight outfit??"
At publishing time, the team pushed back their arrival another ten minutes after one of the pilots burned out her landing gear taxiing with the parking brake on.
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…” “OK.” Ten years later at 40, they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.” Ten years later at 50, “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is good and there is plenty of parking.” ”OK.” At 60, “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price.” “OK” At 70, “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.” At 80, "Where do you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "We've never been there before and I would like to try something new."
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different
night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys,
watch this.’
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law
against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing…
Two good ol’ boys in an Alabama trailer park were
sitting round talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off
work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to
sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was
off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched
his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would
make us even!
Comments
Pearls of Wisdom:
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore….. I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was just one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest!
Then, in his bunker, he married his beloved Eva Braun.
He killed himself the next day.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Marriage is hard........
He killed her first though.
I doubt Hitler actually loved her, he just needed to exert power and be controlling. She was just another dog to kick around while she massaged his ego. He was a nut-case, freak, P.O.S.
I'm confused. If her killed her first, then why kill himself? I do agree he was the anti-Christ.
GLENDALE, AZ — The Super Bowl flyover team featuring exclusively female pilots has informed NFL officials that they are running a "little behind."
"We'll be right there! Sorry!" radioed pilot Amy Donaldson to an antsy crew at the stadium. "Just make yourselves comfortable!"
While television producers expressed dismay at the delay, the pilots promised they were getting ready as fast as possible. "The line for the bathroom is going as fast as it can," assured lead pilot Emily Rawls. "Believe me, we will step on the gas and show everyone some woman power just as soon as we can! Until then - wait, hold on now - did we all just show up in the same flight outfit??"
At publishing time, the team pushed back their arrival another ten minutes after one of the pilots burned out her landing gear taxiing with the parking brake on.
https://babylonbee.com/news/super-bowl-flyover-featuring-all-female-pilots-running-20-minutes-late
Any man in the country... understands.
https://www.lookoutnow.com/pipe/tob-rev.htm
https://www.lookoutnow.com/pipe/tob-rev2.htm
https://www.foxnews.com/sports/tiger-woods-appears-hand-justin-thomas-tampon-after-outdriving-genesis-invitational
That's why I don't take my wife golfing...🙄
Over the years, I probably have earned a whole closet of them...😬
Or the “Wear the fox hat” beer commercial?
Or the “Look, an eagle” salmon commercial?
😂😂😂
I’d link them, but my skills in that area are lacking.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…”
“OK.”
Ten years later at 40, they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”
Ten years later at 50,
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”
At 60,
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”
At 70,
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”
At 80,
"Where do you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before and I would like to try something new."
You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing…
Two good ol’ boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting round talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!