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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)



  • SimpleSimple Newcomer
    @cretindan I just choked from laughing so hard.
  • Subatomic particle jokes?

    An Electron walks into a bar and order a drink for the proton. He found her very attractive.

    A Neutron walks into a bar and order a double scotch. Barman: “What is the matter?”. Neutron: “Not the matter, the anti-matter”.

    A Proton walks into a bar. Barman: “We only sell to protons, are you sure you are a proton?” Proton: “Yes, I’m positive”

    Plutonium Atom walked into a bar. Barman thought he was very unstable.

    An Electron walks into a bar. Another Electron walked in to a bar to meet the first Electron. That is repulsive!

    A Proton walked into a bar order a double. The barman asks “What is the matter?” Proton says “Two good friends were in a collision yesterday…”

    An Electron walks into a bar… Barman: “What is the problem?”… Electron: “It is the foton. I wish I was as brilliant as him.”

    An Atom walks into a bar and orders Diet Coke. Barman “Trying to lose weight?” Atom: “Yes, after Thanksgiving dinner, I am a few isotopes too heavy.”

    Two Hydrogen Atoms walk into a bar. “We feel very divided…” Barman: “Helium, is it you?”

    An Atom walks into a bar at the hotel lobby. Barman “Sit at the bar?”… Atom: “Yes, I cannot find room in the periodic table. “

    Neutrino walked into a bar. “Got a speeding ticket”… Barman: “How fast were you going?”… Neutrino: “Over the speed of light, but I think the radar malfunctioned. “

    An Electron walked into a bar.  As he was served a martini, he waved to the Foton and collapsed.

    An Atom walks into a bar. Barman “What are you going to have?”… Atom: “A gin-atomic, please”

    A Boson walked into a bar. Barman “What are you going to have?”…  The Boson did not hear what the barman said. He had a noise canceling headphone on.

    This neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink, opens his wallet to pay when the barman shakes his head and says………. “for you, no charge”

    The Neutron walks into a bar. He was positive he had forgotten an Electron at home.
  • motie2 posted this in our Engineering topic thought some of you might like to see it here, hope that is OK motie2. 

    With today's rapid advance in technology, I thought it important to bring to your attention some new engineering conversions:

    Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
    2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
    1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
    Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1bananosecond
    Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
    365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite-year
    Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
    Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)
    1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
    Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
    453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
    1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
    10 cards: 1 decacards
    1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
    1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
    2 monograms: 1 diagram
    8 nickels: 2 paradigms
    3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
    2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird
  • @Deapool57 --Sure, OK Screen Shot 2017-03-27 at 4.12.21 PM
    I wasn't sure where to post it, and didn't want to be double-posting something of no actual importance. It's like the why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas joke: Where to put it? .... Here in Shits and Giggles or in the 'Any Engineers' folder? And, by-the-by, 'twould appear that "shit" is OK here in TPL. 

    In the interim, here are some gentle aphorisms:

    Money isn't everything,
    But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
    If at first you don't succeed,
    Skydiving is not for you
    We are born naked, wet and hungry.
    Then things get worse.
    Joint Xerox/Wurlitzer project:
    Reproductive organs.
    New Cleveland motto: "We're not Detroit!"
    3 out of 4 people are 75% of the population

    Congressmen should wear NASCAR-style uniforms,
    So we can Identify their corporate sponsors.


    Tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

    1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If a phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

    11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

    12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times; tell them you're writing it all down..

    13. Finally, ask if they could bring you some beer. Who knows? Maybe you'll get lucky.......

  • @motie2 - those are good. Normally I just let all calls from numbers I don't recognize go to the answering machine or voice mail. I have answered a couple of calls this past week though...

    1. One call from a "medical supply" company saying they are calling about an internet inquiry. I told them they are liars, that I never use the internet. They hung up.

    2. A call saying they have been monitoring my credit card usage and I qualified for a prize. I asked them which credit card and who issued it.  They hung up.

    3. One of those IRS scam calls where they claim to be a Detective with the IRS and I will go to jail if I don't send them a debit card payment.  I ask them to hold on for a minute because my wife is an IRS Agent and she is having the phone call traced. They hung up. (Seriously. My wife is a retired IRS Bankruptcy Specialist)
  • @motie2 and @PappyJoe, them are fun and I know a couple more but the problem I have been getting lately is most of them are recordings or computer generated voices now, it sucks because you can't have as much fun with them now.  You can screw with computer generated ones by not answering,, they will ask if your there a few times and then hang up but not all hangup.....I like the one were you act like a police detective and say your investigating a murder and ask if they know the person they just called if they say no you tell them to hold on because they have to know them because they called their personal home phone or cell phone and if they hang up they will be arrested....it goes on and on, even gets their business info and threatens to send local police to take them into the police station......not sure how legal that one is so I have never done it but cracks me up! 
    Anyway most are recordings around here now so can't have much fun with them anymore.

  • If I see it's an obvious crank call, I pick up and say tensely  " It's over, there's blood everywhere, send the squad." and hang up.

    I will say that there are a lot fewer machine calls since I joined NOMOROBO.

  • I signed up with nomorobo and donotcall.gov and activated Verizon's call blocking protocols and the overwhelming majority of calls are still commercial endeavors or charities. We just don't answer a number we don't recognize, and let the machine pick up the call. Most nuisance callers leave no message. Legit callers will leave a message, or call back.
  • So did you hear the joke about the two guys sitting on the front porch smoking their Pipes?

    Well heck no you didn't because Pipe Smokers are nothing to joke about! LMAO

    So stupid it was almost funny, I said almost!
  • I always check a number I get through Google, if it's one I don't want to talk to I block it.
  • chimselfchimself Newcomer
    During WW2 a friend of my grandmothers son was in the army and wound up in Egypt . When grandma asked where he was she replied " he's in Karo , Egypt driving sheep (jeep).
  • Did you ever sit and think, remember all them jokes you knew, told and heard and think I need to write them down so others can enjoy them.......
    sit for hours thinking about which one to post.....
    I have thought about it for a while.....
    I've got nothing!

  • PhilipPhilip Enthusiast
    Sorry Mr. Wolf, I don't get it. Is the joke about your huge joke book or your bad memory?

  • Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,  25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,  giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,  because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

    When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
  • @Philip well not sure myself, more of a memory thing and not much of a joke, more of a plea for help.  
    @motie2 OH That was a good one, maybe you should write a book??  lol
  • The American Medical Association has weighed in on the Republican health care package.

    The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

    The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

    The  Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the  Radiologists could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

    The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say “No."

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a-holes from both parties in Washington.

  • PhilipPhilip Enthusiast
    Mr Wolf, 
    Don't worry Sir. Your last post got sandwiched between one about bureaucrats and another about proctologists. A very lonely place my friend. But no fear, head over to the what are you smoking now section and give us a hint of your choice for today. Mine is . . .
  • @philip - What's the difference between a bureaucrat and a proctologist?
  • PhilipPhilip Enthusiast
    The side of the hole you're looking from.
  • Internet companies!    Now that is funny by itself!
  • motie2motie2 Master
    edited June 2019
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