A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Ok, if you insist. Three old men in a senior home in Florida were on the porch complaining about their ailments.
The first one said. "If only I could take a good pee, mine come out in drips and drops like a broken lawn sprinkler."
The next one answered " Aah, Dats nuttin, just once I want a regular poop, right now it's like concrete, it plinks and plunks,
I strain for hours."
The third one says "Every morning at 6 AM I take nice long pee, nice big poop. It's awful." The fist 2 say "So what's yer Problem??" The third one says " I wake up at 8."
Put your own accent on it.
A woman goes before a judge charged with beating her husband to death with his Guitar collection.
The Judge looks down and says" First Offender?"
"No" she says, "First a Gibson then a Fender."
An airliner high over the Atlantic experiences serious engine problems so bad that they're losing altitude. The pilot orders the crew to throw out everything possible. After that the flight engineer tells the pilot they're still 500 lbs. too heavy. the pilot gets on the horn and asks the passengers to volunteer to jump from the plane to save the rest.
A Frenchman goes to the door and says" Vive Le France" and jumps.
An Englishman gets up, says "God Save the Queen" and jumps.
A Big Texan gets up and Says "Remember the Alamo" and throws two Mexicans off the plane.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed, when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people inside the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" To which George replied "No." The police replied that all patrols were busy at the moment, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be by when available.
George said "OK," hung up the phone, counted to 60, and telephoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a couple minutes ago, because some people are stealing things out of my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, because I just shot them." Then he hung up the phone.
Within 5 minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence, and caught the thieves red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said you shot them?"
To which George replied, " I thought you said you didn't have anyone available?"