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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)



  •  SENIORS…HOW the fight STARTED…
     One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
     The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
     When she asked me why, I replied,
     "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
     And that's how the fight started.....

     My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
     I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
     'No,' she answered.
     I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
     She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
     So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
     And that's when the fight started...

     I took my wife to a restaurant.
     The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
     "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
     He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
     "Nah, she can order for herself."
     And that's when the fight started.....

     My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
     I asked her, "Do you know him?"
     "Yes", she sighed,
     "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
     "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
     And then the fight started...

     When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
     But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
     When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
     I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute,
     and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
     The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…

     My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
     She asked, "What's on TV?"
     I said, "Dust."
     And then the fight started...

     My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
     She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds."
     I bought her bathroom scales.
     And then the fight started......

     After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
     The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
     I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
     The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".
     So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
     She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
     When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
     She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."
     And then the fight started...

     My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
     She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
     "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
     I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."
     And then the fight started........

     I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
     The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
     He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
     So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
     That's how the fight started.

  • Religious humor [not for Zealots]

    A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
    Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
    Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you’d make a nice sandwich.
    Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
    Photons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
    A diagnostic is someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods.
    Televangelists: The Pro-Wrestlers of religion.
    If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
    I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
    And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords.
    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
    I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
    Give me some of that old-time Religion…HAIL ZEUS!
    That was Zen. this is Tao.
    The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
    On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let’s see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
    If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting tonight.
    Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
    Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

  • These are getting better every week!  
    I love coming in here and reading a few jokes every day, make me feel better, I hope everyone enjoys this post and all the Comments (JOKES).
  • OLD Irish joke
    A man walked into a Bar and said he had a dog that could beat anyone's dog in a fight....So a bunch of good ole boys said how much you wanna bet on your dog, the guy said I bet $500, so the ole boys went home and got their dogs, the first guy brought back a coon hound, well he lost fast, the next guy had an old boxer and his dog lost but put up a decent fight, the next guy had a German shepherd but again he lost, so another guy said I can beat your dog but I want to up the bet to $1000, the man said OK so the guy turned his bull dog loose to fight the guys pit bull (yep pit bull) and the bull dog lost, the guy was feeling really good and proud, so proud he said I will take all comers about that time a little Irish guy walks up and says I will bet $5000 my dog can beat your dog!!  The guy said bring it on so the Irish guy brought out this ugly shaggy short bow legged stubby tail looking mutt, the guy laughed but the dogs went at it and the little dog whooped up on the Pit Bull and won!  The man said what kind of dog is that anyway, the little Irish guy said well it is a gator, I cut the tail off and gave it a nose job and threw on some hair, best dog I have ever had!!  LOL  

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    Managing Lessons

    Lesson 1/6:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Lesson 2/6:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

    The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

    Moral of the story:

    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3/6:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

    ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

    Puff! She’s gone.

    ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

    Puff! He’s gone.

    ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

    Moral of the story:

    Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4/6:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:

    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5/6:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

    ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:

    Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

    Lesson 6/6:

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:

    (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

    (3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

  • This tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco, a block or two from the waterfront. Looking around at the exotic items, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It bore no price tag, but was so strikingly detailed he must have it. 

    He takes it to the salesperson at the counter, an elderly Asian, probably the owner. "How much for the bronze rat?" 

    "Twelve dollar for rat. One hundred dollar for story." 

    The tourist handed the man a ten and two ones. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." 

    As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. He quickened his pace.  But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began to squeal. He began to run, toward the Bay, looking over his shoulder to see what appeared to be a moving river, a surging sea of rats, thousands of them, squealing and coming toward him. 

    Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats surged around him, jumping like lemmings into the Bay, following the bronze rat to a watery death. All were drowned. 

    Of course, the tourist raced back to the curio shop. 

    "Ah ha," said the owner, "You come back for story?" 

    "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."


    Now, let's see if I've ignited a flame war...........
  • I will not dignify that with a comment @motie2
  • I agree with @PappyJoe, I will not even comment.  OH Yeah Pappy, them were great stories, got a good laugh and remembered a few that taught me back in the day. 
  • motie2motie2 Master
    edited September 2018
    I prefer to adopt the attitude that if it's funny, it's funny, regardless who got the sharp end of the stick. 

    I'll look for a decent anti-Democrat joke, and get back to y'all..

    OK, I found one: "Democrats are to courage what Velveeta is to cheese." (Sept. 21, 2018)
  • OK, I'm back. How's this one?

    A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    “She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

    “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

    The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

    “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

    “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
  • They're funny but, right now I'm very reluctant to join in. Political differences tore a site I belonged to to pieces.
  • @motie2, the bronze republican statue would never work, because republicans are leaders not followers. :^)
  • @Woodsman, it is all in fun, I liked both of Motie2's jokes, I was just messing with him about the statue one to see if he would share more.....He did....LOL 
    But you can add some that have no political views and even ones that do not discriminate against anyone or anything if you have any...  All jokes are funny even old knock knock jokes.  Just have fun.
  • Just remember: "Not all liars are politicians but all politicians are liars."
  • Forget poleticians; let's see if anyone is offended by penguin jokes.....

    A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "Just fix the car," says the penguin. "and leave my personal life out of it!!"
  • politicians  (-10 points for spelling error)
  • Wow that was good, I wonder who will complain about the penguin joke?  LOL  Only a Penguin that is in love with a Seal I guess?
  • Ok, if you insist. Three old men in a senior home in Florida were on the porch complaining about their ailments.

    The first one said. "If only I could take a good pee, mine come out in drips and drops like a broken lawn sprinkler."

    The next one answered " Aah, Dats nuttin, just once I want a regular poop, right now it's like concrete, it plinks and plunks,

    I strain for hours."

    The third one says "Every morning at 6 AM I take nice long pee, nice big poop. It's awful." The fist 2 say "So what's yer Problem??" The third one says " I wake up at 8."

    Put your own accent on it.

  • A woman goes before a judge charged with beating her husband to death with his Guitar collection.

    The Judge looks down and says" First Offender?"

    "No" she says, "First a Gibson then a Fender."

  • An airliner high over the Atlantic experiences serious engine problems so bad that they're losing altitude. The pilot orders the crew to throw out everything possible. After that the flight engineer tells the pilot they're still 500 lbs. too heavy. the pilot gets on the horn and asks the passengers to volunteer to jump from the plane to save the rest.

    A Frenchman goes to the door and says" Vive Le France" and jumps.

    An Englishman gets up, says "God Save the Queen" and jumps.

    A Big Texan gets up and Says "Remember the Alamo" and throws two Mexicans off the plane.

  • My only Socrates joke:

    In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BCE), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

    "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."


    "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

    "All right," said Socrates. "So, you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

    "No, on the contrary..."

    "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

    Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really..."

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

    The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

  • Going to have to go back to my joke book, these are getting good and I feel like I need to add a few more.  LOL
  • Guy walks into a bar and goes to order a drink. 
    Bartender looks at him and says "you have to be wearing a tie to get a drink."
    Guy walks out to his car and looks around and he ties a set of jumper cables around his neck.
    Walks back in and asks the bartender, "ok hows this?"
    Bartender says, "ok looks good, just don't start anything!"

  • George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed, when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people inside the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" To which George replied "No."  The police replied that all patrols were busy at the moment, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be by when available.

    George said "OK," hung up the phone, counted to 60, and telephoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a couple minutes ago, because some people are stealing things out of my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, because I just shot them." Then he hung up the phone.

    Within 5 minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence, and caught the thieves red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said you shot them?"

    To which George replied, " I thought you said you didn't have anyone available?"

  • SWMBO insisted that I send this one along.

    Time is relative
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