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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)



  • I posted this in the ESOTERICA TOBACCO discussion, because it deals with Penzance tobacco. But you've gotta see this:

  • Here is one you can do to your friends that always work on cars and trucks.  Climb under the vehicle and put two large zip ties on the drive shaft, leave the ends on so the bang against the floor board. 

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    New Jersey Motor Vehicle Tips and Techniques (Bada-bing!) applicable in other jurisdictions

    1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

    2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

    4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

    5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY, or DEL plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose

    6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

    7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

    8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey, especially during rush hour.

    9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go even faster.

    10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

    11. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

    12. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

    13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

    14. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

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  • glohmanglohman Newcomer
    @motie2 , that's not a joke, that a little know fact
  • The California Department of Fish and Game has issued a warning about the rise of Bear attacks due to the severe drought and loss of habitat. The following list is for helpful information.

    1. Attacks occur most often when the bears are startled when surprised by hiker on the trail.

    2. To prevent attacks hikers should wear things like small bells so the bear can hear you coming and carry Pepper Spray to discourage attack.

    3.There are two types of bears in the State, The Black Bear and the Grizzly Bear.

    4. To determine which type of bear in in the vicinity quite often may be determined by their Scats (Droppings).

    Black Bear droppings are smaller and have the remains of small animals, roots or berries.

    Grizzly Bear droppings often have small bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


    Governor Moonbeam

  • I propose a riddle: What does a cow have four of that a girl has five of?

    This was told to me by an eight year old and it stumped me. My forty year old son got it in about a minute.
  • I'm stumped and don't want to google it.

  • SO???? @motie2 will we get the answer later today or tomorrow if no one answers it? I was thinking Lobes in Lungs but that would be crazy.  A human has two lobes on one side and three lobes on the other side, two lungs but made of five lobes.  lol  I have no clue about cow lungs and lobes even though we have cattle on the farm.
  • I almost said shoes but most women I know have 10 or 12 pairs of shoes.
  • @PappyJoe isn't that the truth!  plus cows don't have shoes but Horses can have shoes....  Wonder if anyone has ever tried to shoe a cow? 
    I was also thinking moods but women have more than five moods!
  • As an aside, and based on almost 50 years of marriage with SWMBO, I have two observations, (with apologies to Milady Nicole) :

    1) Women are evidence that God has a sense of humor.

    2) Different sex? They're a different species.

  • BTW, I'll post the riddle's solution tomorrow if no one gets it......
  • What has 6 legs, 5 arms, and 3 teeth?

    Third shift at Waffle House!

  • @Pappy Joe @Wolf41035 -- Gentlemen,

    Tomorrow morning: a hint.
    Tomorrow afternoon: the answer, if no one has solved it by then. 
  • What is it with my typing today? That's @PappyJoe (no space)
  • @motie, I am guessing that a girl may have 5 before she is married, but after the wedding, the number may dwindle. :^)
  • @xDutchx - Nope. But amusing!
  • LOL  Waiting on Hint.   Are you sure your numbers are correct? Cow 4 and Woman 5???  I have heard the cow 4 and woman 2 but never this one....
  • Hint: "It's in the wording of the riddle."
  • One again, the riddle: "What does a cow have four of that a girl has five of?"

    Apologies for not posting the hint sooner: "Sorry, I was eating a Milky Way." (<=====<< has nothing to do with riddle or hint.....)
  • Answer after dinner tonight..... if I don't forget. You are all gonna hate it.
  • Topaz75Topaz75 Professor
    "a cow" = 4 letters
    "a girl" = 5 letters

  • I said you were going to hate it.

    Congrats to our confrere @Topaz75 !!!
  • Topaz75Topaz75 Professor
    Apparently, this achievement confirms the fact that I really do have the mind of an eight year-old.

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    Try to figure out the next line of the sequence and explain why?

    Pasted Graphic
  • 1113213211 is the next sequence.

    I would tell you but then I would have to eliminate you.
  • And I believe in freedom of information....

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    Each line describes the number in the previous one. For instance, the top line has one 'number one', so the second line is '11'. That line has two 'number ones', so the third line is '21', and so on….


    Try this:
    87 copy
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