10 Ways YOU Can Protest The Russian Invasion
As Putin's wicked forces of darkness bear down on the peaceful utopia of Ukraine, you may be asking yourself: "What can I do to help?" Fortunately, there are things we ALL can do to express our extreme displeasure with Putin that will surely have a powerful effect somehow! Do your part, citizen!
Here are ten things you can do to protest Russia:
1) Return your Russian mail order bride: You may have said your vows, but she'll definitely understand when you tell her it's important to the war effort!
2) Pass over the Russian mob when hiring hitmen: You have plenty of other options, like the notorious Mexican cartel MS13 or Hillary Clinton.
3) Disavow Communism: Really, you should have done this long ago.
4) Throw away all your Beef Stroganoff Hamburger Helper: Replace it with all-American Cheeseburger Macaroni flavor. Take that, Ruskies!
5) Watch a bunch of 80's movies, but fast-forward every time a Russian is on the screen: Do not give them the honor of screentime.
6) Stop doing that one Russian dance where your squat and kick your legs out and shout "hey": We forget what this dance is called. But stop doing it. Now.
7) Use the term "hurryin'" instead of "rushin'": These small sacrifices really add up.
8) Buy ten million Adidas tracksuits so there won't be any leftover for Russians to buy: Actually, this might hurt the Ukrainians too, so never mind.
9) Sell your vacation home in Moscow: (Bernie Sanders only)
10) Throw your big red fake reset button in the trash: (Hillary Clinton only)