#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take alprazolam to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
ATLANTA, GA—CNN President Jeff Zucker announced today that the company’s new strategies for preventing workplace sexual assaults appear to be working. “We’re proud to announce that there hasn’t been a single sex scandal at CNN this year,” he said. “After the 879 scandals we had last year, that’s some serious progress!”The network got serious about preventing sexual assault after local authorities threatened to make them move their Atlanta headquarters last month. “The town said we had to either fire all the registered sex offenders that work here or find a new building at least 1,500 feet away from any elementary schools,” Zucker noted. “It’s a tight real estate market, so we chose the former.” Zucker said CNN has implemented a number of corporate policies designed to reduce the likelihood of sexual assault in the workplace, including the following:
“With all of these changes, we fully expect 2022 to be a scandal-free year here at CNN,” Zucker exclaimed before abruptly ending the interview to take an urgent call from the legal department.