The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do!
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
From the South where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes
this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in College
Station, TX
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left
the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off: it was
a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward
a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he
pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that
the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be
broken."
"I doubt it", said the proud Southern man.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Montana has a pretty bad reputation for drunk driving. There was a show a few years ago, “Dumbest Criminals” or something like that...anyway, true story. A man went to get his driver’s license after having it suspended for DUI (I think it was in Helena, Montana). He drove to the test center without a valid driver’s license and was completely blotto, something like twice the legal limit😳. He didn’t get his license back.
Twofer If anyone finds these out-of-line, I'll delete them upon request, but I think they're both funny as hell.
1) A story about a wedding: This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support him and his bride at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming, and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and helping make the occasion the grand success that it had been, the groom said he wanted to give everyone a special gift. He said that taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. Inside each manila envelope was a 8x10 glossy of the best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and had hired a private detective a few weeks prior to the ceremony. Savoring the guests’ stunned reactions, he turned to the best man and the bride and said, “Enjoy your evening. I’m out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy 1) goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong, thus causing the bride's parents to shell out over $100,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and 2) publicly shaming the best man and the bride in front of all of their friends, and families — parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces, nephews, and clergy. This guy had gonads the size of church bells.
2) A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "Just fix the car," says the penguin. "and leave my personal life out of it!!"
A sports announcer saw a ditzy blond just out of camera view and decided to put her on TV. After calling her over, he asks her how she liked the Super Bowl. Well, she said, I've never seen a football game before, but I can't figure out what all the excitement is over 25 cents being fought over and taken back and forth. The announcer was puzzled and asked, what do you mean? Well, they meet in the middle with the referee and he throws the 25 cents in the air. One team wins the call, gets the coin, and then from then on, the whole game, all you hear is, GET THE QUARTER BACK!
@motie2 That would be funny if I didn't know anyone to fit in that category. But oh, that's right, I know YOU. I bet it was a great day when you were finally able to shake that thing off ( no pun intended... maybe...)
Having first a catheter and then a suprapubic catheter for eight months in 2016-2017 was the worst thing that ever happened to me, including having my chest cracked at Sloan Kettering in 2000 (cancer). That was a walk in the park compared to catheterland. I have a case of diagnosed PTSD from having the regular catheter in and out every couple of days, and then in for weeks.
Comments
I like the novel way some NORTHERN churches dealt with the squirrel problems.
In the south, the churches would probably welcome the squirrels to a "Feed the Poor" Squirrel Stew dinner.
The Beatles of Comedy, Part 1 [ft. David Ossman and Phil Proctor]
https://thirtypop.com/episodes/the-beatles-of-comedy-part-1-ft-david-ossman-and-phil-proctorIs he the ultimate pipe smoking hobbyist or does he need an intervention of some type?
😬🤯
Glad you're back, I missed your entertaining posts!
Better yet, wipe your prints off the bolt and then just leave it in the bottom of the car.
Only a Texan would think of this:
From the South where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in College Station, TX
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off: it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the proud Southern man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
1) A story about a wedding: This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support him and his bride at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming, and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and helping make the occasion the grand success that it had been, the groom said he wanted to give everyone a special gift. He said that taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. Inside each manila envelope was a 8x10 glossy of the best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and had hired a private detective a few weeks prior to the ceremony. Savoring the guests’ stunned reactions, he turned to the best man and the bride and said, “Enjoy your evening. I’m out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy 1) goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong, thus causing the bride's parents to shell out over $100,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and 2) publicly shaming the best man and the bride in front of all of their friends, and families — parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces, nephews, and clergy. This guy had gonads the size of church bells.
2) A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "Just fix the car," says the penguin. "and leave my personal life out of it!!"
After calling her over, he asks her how she liked the Super Bowl. Well, she said, I've never seen a football game before, but I can't figure out what all the excitement is over 25 cents being fought over and taken back and forth.
The announcer was puzzled and asked, what do you mean?
Well, they meet in the middle with the referee and he throws the 25 cents in the air. One team wins the call, gets the coin, and then from then on, the whole game, all you hear is, GET THE QUARTER BACK!
Anyone have a higher rate?
I'm usually 3...
That would be funny if I didn't know anyone to fit in that category. But oh, that's right, I know YOU.
I bet it was a great day when you were finally able to shake that thing off ( no pun intended... maybe...)