First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Grins and Snickers I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ------------------------------ -------- ----------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ------------------------------ --------- The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed. ------------------------------ ----------------- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ------------------------------ ----------------- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ------------------------------ ----------------- Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugenecommented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" (love it!) ------------------------------ ------ ------------------------ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." ------------------------------ -------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.. With his last breath John said, "I do!" ------------------------------ -------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. ' "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke toyour wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
A rabbi joke: A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box and inside he found three eggs and $2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the eggs to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box. He interrupted, "In 20 years in the synagogue, only three bad sermons? That's not bad.” His wife continued, “. . . and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1.”
Protestant joke: A Lutheran preacher in a small country parish notices that his church really could use a new coat of paint. There isn’t too much money in the coffers so he only has enough to buy one gallon of white paint. After he paints one half of the church, he has gone through about two-thirds of the paint so he pours some paint thinner in the bucket. He paints another half of the remaining church and hardly has any paint left so he pours in some more paint thinner until the church is completed. Of course, he is not satisfied because half of the church looks good and the rest doesn’t look so good. At this time he asks God for help and out comes a cry from the heavens, “Repaint, repaint and thin no more!”
Interdenominational joke: A pastor is eager to have his grandson listen to his sermon and he asks his grandson which service he would like to attend: the first or second. The boy says, “I’d like to go to the first service.” “That’s just fine,” says the grandfather. They get to the place of worship early and as they walk into the entry way the young boy sees a wooden plaque on the wall with a bunch of names and asks, “Grandpa, why are those names on the wall?” The grandfather replies, “Oh,” he says, “Those are the names of all the people who died in the service.” The boy asks, “Which one, the first or the second?”
Here is a God joke that explains everything you want to know about the Green Bay Packers: The Minnesota Vikings' coach Mike Zimmer has been called to heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, he notices a huge mansion on the hill with all kinds of Green Bay Packers flags decorating it. The Vikings coach is thinking, “Wow, I’ll probably get a house just like that.” When St. Peter shows him to his home it’s just a small house with nothing really unique about it. Coach Zimmer asks, “How come the Packers' coach gets a house like that and I get this tiny house?” St. Peter says, “Oh, that’s not where the Packers' coach lives. That’s where God lives.”
I have a business card I got from someone years ago that has a few sentences on it, maybe four lines. The sentences are kinda “wonky/confusing/strangely written? (It’s been awhile so I don’t recall exactly). When asked to count the times the word “it” appears on the card most adults that have good reading skills miss several. Children that are just learning to read generally get them all. Adults basically read right over them, so they kind of “disappear” as they are not really required to understand the sentences.
Someone passed me a card that read, on one side: "The statement on the other side is true." On the reverse side was written, "The statement on the other side is false." It's a lot like a tar baby.
Comments
The look on Simon Cowell's face is priceless.....
Dom Chambers: The Australian "Beer Chugging" Magician
First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Those are great, especially 2, 5,14 & 15👍🏻
Why racist? Because the wife and kids are green?
https://youtu.be/kO1nCuVQIeg
Tnx @opipeman for sharing...
A rabbi joke: A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box and inside he found three eggs and $2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the eggs to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box. He interrupted, "In 20 years in the synagogue, only three bad sermons? That's not bad.” His wife continued, “. . . and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1.”
Protestant joke: A Lutheran preacher in a small country parish notices that his church really could use a new coat of paint. There isn’t too much money in the coffers so he only has enough to buy one gallon of white paint. After he paints one half of the church, he has gone through about two-thirds of the paint so he pours some paint thinner in the bucket. He paints another half of the remaining church and hardly has any paint left so he pours in some more paint thinner until the church is completed. Of course, he is not satisfied because half of the church looks good and the rest doesn’t look so good. At this time he asks God for help and out comes a cry from the heavens, “Repaint, repaint and thin no more!”
Interdenominational joke: A pastor is eager to have his grandson listen to his sermon and he asks his grandson which service he would like to attend: the first or second. The boy says, “I’d like to go to the first service.” “That’s just fine,” says the grandfather. They get to the place of worship early and as they walk into the entry way the young boy sees a wooden plaque on the wall with a bunch of names and asks, “Grandpa, why are those names on the wall?” The grandfather replies, “Oh,” he says, “Those are the names of all the people who died in the service.” The boy asks, “Which one, the first or the second?”
Here is a God joke that explains everything you want to know about the Green Bay Packers: The Minnesota Vikings' coach Mike Zimmer has been called to heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, he notices a huge mansion on the hill with all kinds of Green Bay Packers flags decorating it. The Vikings coach is thinking, “Wow, I’ll probably get a house just like that.” When St. Peter shows him to his home it’s just a small house with nothing really unique about it. Coach Zimmer asks, “How come the Packers' coach gets a house like that and I get this tiny house?” St. Peter says, “Oh, that’s not where the Packers' coach lives. That’s where God lives.”
On the reverse side was written, "The statement on the other side is false."
It's a lot like a tar baby.