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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)

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  • "Exercise? I get in on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics." - Red Skelton

  • edited December 2021
    @opipeman
    Are you kidding, he’s the smart one, he’s not sweating🙂.

    How about the farmer/rancher/cowboy quiz?
    Three guys are riding in standard cab pickup/truck, which one is the cowboy?
  • @RockyMountainBriar;
    You have a valid point. The one in the middle.
  • @opipeman

    ........ because he’s the only one who won’t have to get out to open the gate! 
  • They're all the same person. The cowboy is the rancher at the cattle farm he owns!
  • @motie2
    And, he doesn’t have to drive.

    @Balisong
    “Cattle Farm”?  What he heck is a cattle farm? A Rancher is the guy that owns the ranch, whom sometimes may be a cowboy, but not always.
  • @Balisong
    I guess a Dairy Farm might be considered a cattle farm?
  • BalisongBalisong Master
    edited December 2021
    Hey guys, we buy our beef from Brookvale Pines Farm. They raise cows, pigs and chickens for meat. They have horses and the woman who inherited it wears a cowboy hat!
  • Just because they wear a cowboy hat, or boots, don’t make’em a cowboy/girl🙂
  • I live in New Hampshire, there's no such thing as a ranch other than a one story house!  🥴
  • I lived in West Texas for several years with feed lots nearby, they all called cattle ranches “cattle operations”, why? I don’t know, but that’s certainly a euphemism for cattle farm if you ask me. Also, my wife and I operated a horse breeding operation when I was in grad school, we called it a horse farm….
  • “Right now, the Women's Tennis Association has bigger balls than the NBA."

    - Cruz speaks to Clay Travis and Buck Sexton on their radio show about the Chinese Communist Party's treatment of Chinese tennis star Peng Shuai, and the WTA’s decision to suspend events in China.

     :D 
  • A devastatingly clever critique by Senator Cruz.
  • Mmm, I have some of that.  I like the Black XX better.  I have the Coconut Twist too, but neither the Coconut or Whiskey flavors or scents really comes through in them much for me.
  • How To Give a Pill to a Cat 

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process. 

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away. 

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten. 

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. 

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later. 

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw. 

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band. 

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

    12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 

    13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

    14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, drop off cat at vet clinic on the way. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table. 


     

    How To Give a Pill to a Dog 

    1. Wrap it in bacon or cheese.


  • edited December 2021

    Sounds about the same for anti-vaxers and vaxers.  I’m a cat guy.  I’m not an anti-vaxer though.  I have no problems with others getting vaccinated, or not, that is their choice and right.
  • motie2motie2 Master
    edited December 2021
    Went to cardiologist yesterday. I weigh under 200 pounds for first time in decade….. and yet……


  • Please, I mean no offense to those of Irish backgrounds, but America thought hippies were weird......

    “The ring of a bell. The strum of a banjo. The soar of a flute. The patter of dancing feet. And the glint of fond Irish eyes through a straw mask."
    https://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/article/these-masked-singers-carry-on-an-irish-christmas-tradition


  • I’d hate to meet them in a dark hollow some night😳.  Maybe that’s how they get fertilizer spread on their crops.  It scare the $h!t out of me.  Maybe that’s why some of those European types wear skirts…kilts….whatever🤔  Even that psychedelic little creeper running around would make for  a disturbing encounter in a dark hollow.  Cripes, switch out the musical instruments for “farmer tool” weapons, axe, scythe, pitchfork, maul, grain threshing club, spud-bar, and such, and you have the basis for a new? horror story.
  • motie2motie2 Master
    edited December 2021
    @Zouave

    Now, that’s funny.
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