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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)

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  • Those are terrific, @mfresa. Thanks!
  • My wife sends them to me.
  • On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span." The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man... why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

    AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!
  • Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
    As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
    He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
    The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.
    He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
    Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.
    That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts.
    She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
    Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied "Look at dis Lena ... Still in DA CRATE!"
  • motie2motie2 Master
    edited September 2018
    http://www.funnymemes.net/

    I especially liked the one that relates that "People say love is the best feeling....."

    Here's a separate joke: A man turns to his friend and asks, “How are things?” 

    His friend says, “Better than next year.”

  • For the football fans wondering just how defensive players have to sack a quarterback in the NFL. Here is the training video being sent to teams...

  • New Adventures of Ted the Pipe Smoking Man

  • Halloween humor

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

    She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

    “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

    She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…

    1) You have to be single and

    2) You must be Catholic.”

    The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

    “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

    “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

    The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”


  • motie2motie2 Master
    edited December 2018
  • Hey, @Corey562 -- This one's for you!


  • Happy Valentine's Day

  • Some of the jokes are pretty funny.
  • A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

    The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

    When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”

    There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down ‘Yes.'”

  • A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!”

    Silence followed, and after  a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,  “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!”  

     

    A passenger in coach yelled, “That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!”





  • A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

    The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

    The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

    “You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

    “Exactly,” replied the instructor.

    To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

  • What does this image represent? What is its connection to pipes? After a few of you guess, I'll post a URL answer.

  • @motie2
    “Peter Pan Syndrome”, from your post elsewhere......got me thinking of an old kid’s joke.  I travelled in rough circles....

    Do you know why Peter Pan has such a high voice?

    You would have a high voice too if someone hit you in the peter with a pan😂😂😂
  • @motie2
    What is the cowhide/ vest connection with pipes?
    and what is “post a URL answer”....sorry, I may me a luddite😬
  • PappyJoePappyJoe Master
    edited April 2019
    @motie2 In honor of the original post with the cowhide, and without looking at the link you provided @RockyMountainBriar, I would say that was used on a leather wrapped pipe like a Longchamps or Whitehall. If my memory is correct, Savinelli even have some leather wrapped pipes. Mostly they were made using pigskin though.

    After typing the above, I read the link. Funny thing is I've read all the Tarzan books and have seen most of the movies but I don't remember anything about Tarzan smoking a pipe.

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