Best Of
Re: Best Quote
A.I. — Quotes about pipe smoking celebrate it as an intellectual exercise, a path to contemplation, and a source of calm and joy, with notable quotes from figures like Albert Einstein, who saw it as a tool for objective judgment, and Mark Twain, who linked it to the simple pleasure of existence.
The ultimate Mark Twain quote!
“The Moral Statistician”
Originally published in Sketches, Old and New, 1893
<<I don’t want any of your statistics; I took your whole batch and lit my pipe with it.
I hate your kind of people. You are always ciphering out how much a man’s health is injured, and how much his intellect is impaired, and how many pitiful dollars and cents he wastes in the course of ninety-two years’ indulgence in the fatal practice of smoking; and in the equally fatal practice of drinking coffee; and in playing billiards occasionally; and in taking a glass of wine at dinner, etc. etc. And you are always figuring out how many women have been burned to death because of the dangerous fashion of wearing expansive hoops, etc. etc. You never see more than one side of the question.
You are blind to the fact that most old men in America smoke and drink coffee, although, according to your theory, they ought to have died young; and that hearty old Englishmen drink wine and survive it, and portly old Dutchmen both drink and smoke freely, and yet grow older and fatter all the time. And you never try to find out how much solid comfort, relaxation, and enjoyment a man derives from smoking in the course of a lifetime (which is worth ten times the money he would save by letting it alone), nor the appalling aggregate of happiness lost in a lifetime by your kind of people from not smoking. Of course you can save money by denying yourself all those little vicious enjoyments for fifty years; but then what can you do with it? What use can you put it to? Money can’t save your infinitesimal soul. All the use that money can be put to is to purchase comfort and enjoyment in this life; therefore, as you are an enemy to comfort and enjoyment where is the use of accumulating cash?
It won’t do for you to say that you can use it to better purpose in furnishing a good table, and in charities, and in supporting tract societies, because you know yourself that you people who have no petty vices are never known to give away a cent, and that you stint yourselves so in the matter of food that you are always feeble and hungry. And you never dare to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor wretch, seeing you in a good humor, will try to borrow a dollar of you; and in church you are always down on your knees, with your ears buried in the cushion, when the contribution-box comes around; and you never give the revenue officers a full statement of your income.
Now you know all these things yourself, don’t you? Very well, then, what is the use of your stringing out your miserable lives to a lean and withered old age? What is the use of your saving money that is so utterly worthless to you? In a word, why don’t you go off somewhere and die, and not be always trying to seduce people into becoming as ornery and unlovable as you are yourselves, by your villainous “moral statistics”?
Now, I don’t approve of dissipation, and I don’t indulge in it either; but I haven’t a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices. And so I don’t want to hear from you any more. I think you are the very same man who read me a long lecture last week about the degrading vice of smoking cigars, and then came back, in my absence, with your reprehensible fire-proof gloves on, and carried off my beautiful parlor stove.>>
motie2
Re: Shits & Giggles (Jokes)
1. Now that I'm older, my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.
2. What do an old person's teeth and the stars have in common?
Answer: They both come out at night.
3. As I got older, life finally started to click for me... well, at least my knees, back and neck did.
4. "Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." — John Wagner
5. Why did the old man fall into a well?
Answer: He couldn't see that well.
6. What's the prize for getting older?
Answer: Atrophy.
7. You know you're old when someone calls at 9 p.m. and asks if they woke you.
8. "It's tough getting older. I went into an antique store, and they wouldn't let me leave." — Andy Huggins
9. What do you call someone who's happy on a Monday?
Answer: Retired!
10. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
11. Don't mess with old people, because life in prison is no longer really a deterrent.
12. You know you're old when your back goes out more than you do.
13. "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get." — Robert Orben
14. The older I get, the more I start making the same noises as my coffee maker.
15. "I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody." — George Burns
16. I'm not aging, I'm marinating.
17. You're so old you need a fire extinguisher to blow out all those birthday candles.
18. "I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up" — Harry Hershfield
19. It's weird being the same age as old people.
20. Why are old people the best at keeping secrets?
Answer: They don't remember what you told them.
21. "Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine." — Joan Collins
22. It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
23. What's something you'll always get for your birthday?
Answer: A year older.
24. "I went to the doctor because I thought I had arthritis. I don't. I have early onset rigor mortis." — Andy Huggins
25. I asked an old man what the secret to his success was. He told me he forgot.
26. "Back in the day, I'd stub my toe, then my toe would hurt. There was a clear line of cause and effect. Now my body skips the first step—just straight to pain, unexplained." — Phil Wang
27. "My mother always used to say, 'The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.'”
28. You know you're old when you need glasses even for the big print.
29. "Aging isn't bad if you don't take it personally." — Patton Oswalt
30. "I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top." — Will Rogers
31. "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." — Phyllis Diller
32. My wife says I never listen... or something like that.
33. "A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job." — Ella Harris
34. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft
35. Husband: "Why do you keep reading our marriage license?"
Wife: "I'm looking for an expiration date."
36. I've been in love with the same woman for 50 years... I hope my wife doesn't find out!
37. "My wife always wants me to remember her birthday, but to forget her age." — Fliegende Blatter
38. A recently deceased woman reunites with her husband in Heaven, only for him to shout, "I said 'til death do us part!"
39. The best part of growing old together is that as you start to lose your looks, your partner starts to lose their eyesight.
40. Old woman: "Get upstairs and let's make love!"
Old man: "I don't think I can do both."
41. I always wanted to marry an archeologist. That way, the older I got, the more interested she would become.
42. The best time to start thinking about retirement is before your boss does.
43. "Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it." — Gene Perret
44. Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around your house.
45. The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.
46. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: One, but it could take all day.
47. "Another nice thing is all the discounts retirees get. If I had known that, I would have gotten older sooner." — Gene Perret
48. "When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch." — R.C. Sherriff
49. The money may not be good in retirement, but at least the hours are.
50. "Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money." — Jonathan Clements
51. "One question I have about retirement, who OKs my expense vouchers?" — Gene Perret
52. Retirement is just killing time between doctor appointments.
53. "Retirement is a great time to do something new—like nothing." — Gene Perret
54. Knock, knock.
Who's There?
Imma.
Imma who?
Imma getting older waiting for you to open the door!
55. You know you're old when the answer to the "boxers or briefs" question is "Depends."
56. What does a pirate say when they turn 80?
Answer: "Aye matey years old."
57. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." — Lucille Ball
58. How can you tell which bunnies are the oldest?
Answer: Look for the gray hares.
59. What's the easiest way to get a smokin' body when you're old?
Answer: Cremation
60. "Growing old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative." — Maurice Chevalier
61. Why did the old person put wheels on their rocking chair?
Answer: So they could rock and roll.
62. When I was young, I could walk into the grocery store with two dollars and leave with bread, eggs and butter. But these days, there are too many cameras.
63. To get to be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid.
64. Why did the old man move away from the tennis courts?
Answer: They were making too much of a racket.
65. "You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." — Will Rogers
66. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, you can yodel!
67. How do you get an old lady to cuss?
Answer: Get another old lady to yell, "Bingo!"
68. A woman goes to the doctor for early signs of memory loss. As she's telling him her symptoms—like forgetting to do important tasks—the doctor interrupts her and says, "Sorry, then I need you to pre-pay."
69. What time does an old person go to bed?
Answer: About three hours after they fall asleep on the couch.
70. What do you call an old bear when they take out their dentures?
Answer: A gummy bear!
71. Getting older is going from saying, "You're next" to your friends at a wedding to saying, "You're next" at a funeral.
72. The older you get, the earlier it gets late.
73. "Age is just a number... and mine is unlisted." — Mayna Nogg
74. "It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." — Jackie Mason
75. I've gotten better at multitasking in my old age—now I can laugh and pee at the same time.
motie2
Re: Shits & Giggles (Jokes)
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.A boiled egg is hard to beat.When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
motie2
Re: What are you guys smoking right Now?
I’m drawn to sitting pokers/cherrywoods, they’re just plain handy, no need to figure out how to set them down, for the most part anyway.
Re: What's for Dinner? (Pairing pipe, drinks & dinner)
Londy3
Re: Shits & Giggles (Jokes)
PappyJoe
Re: What are you guys smoking right Now?
PappyJoe
Re: What are you guys smoking right Now?
This Tsuge “The Roulette” would have been super cool if it had the screw on lid like the “Spider” series pipes. It would make a great little pocket pipe. I have an idea in my head about how to make a neat “kit” to transport the “Spiders”….this little guy would break down really small.
Re: IPSD FEBRUARY 20...
Zouave1864
Re: Pipe refinishing
The shank was not cut square, so I had to square it up with the stem...
KA9FFJ