And BTW, this came in from a friend married the same year as SWMBO and I....
<<My wife and I have been married for 48 years, and our lives are totally in sync. For example, at the same time I got a hearing aid, she stopped mumbling.>>
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a Home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said,
"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... But all men...are men!
@motie2, you would think by now, that Agincourt might have possibly satiated the English appetite. The reality is, some things never change............
Speaking of Barbie, a man goes Christmas shopping for his 8 year old daughter. As he browses the store, he spots the classic venerable Barbie doll.
To choose from, he has Pop Star Barbie, Princess Barbie, as well as Presidential Intern Barbie, all retailing for $39.95. However, he was looking for something special. About that time, he looks up on the top shelf, and spots a limited edition Divorced Barbie, which was marked $139.95.
He called to the cashier and asked, "Why are all the Barbies $39.95, except Divorced Barbie?"
To which the cashier replied, "Divorced Barbie costs more, because she comes complete with Ken's house, Ken's boat, and Ken's car.
Comments
And BTW, this came in from a friend married the same year as SWMBO and I....
<<My wife and I have been married for 48 years, and our lives are totally in sync.
For example, at the same time I got a hearing aid, she stopped mumbling.>>
Groucho deserves another round. What an American original he was, and never duplicated.....
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
The holiday spirit, so this is what it has come to.......
is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment
301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push
button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the
right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on
the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? .........
"What ..... You're coming empty handed?"
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home
and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a Home and
maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand
dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said,
"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely
nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... But all
men...are men!
Subject: colonoscopy one-liners
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?..."
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Whoa... now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
Speaking of Barbie, a man goes Christmas shopping for his 8 year old daughter. As he browses the store, he spots the classic venerable Barbie doll.
To choose from, he has Pop Star Barbie, Princess Barbie, as well as Presidential Intern Barbie, all retailing for $39.95. However, he was looking for something special. About that time, he looks up on the top shelf, and spots a limited edition Divorced Barbie, which was marked $139.95.
He called to the cashier and asked, "Why are all the Barbies $39.95, except Divorced Barbie?"
To which the cashier replied, "Divorced Barbie costs more, because she comes complete with Ken's house, Ken's boat, and Ken's car.