A well known and respected attorney by the name of Willard VanDyke passed away recently. He finds himself standing in front of Saint Peter who is studying his ledger. Finally Saint Peter looks up and says 'Willard, you have lived a very long and just life. You have provided legal services to those less fortunate. You have served your fellow man and have certainly earned a place in Heaven for eternity. In addition to welcoming you to pass through the Pearly Gates, I am authorized to offer you a bonus. You will have a movie star/famous celebrity to stay with you for eternity. This person will be guaranteed too be totally compatible with you in every way. I just have one question to help me in the selection process. Who did you vote for in the presidential election?" Willard proudly responds "Kamala Harris!" Saint Peter says, "very well.... Whoopi, come on over and meet Willard".
@motie2 I finally was successful, after learning about the above 60 years ago, to wipe that piece of information from my memory. Unfortunately, thanks to you, I now find myself with the prospect of carrying that piece of information to my grave... 😵💫
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Comments
I finally was successful, after learning about the above 60 years ago, to wipe that piece of information from my memory.
Unfortunately, thanks to you, I now find myself with the prospect of carrying that piece of information to my grave...
😵💫
Thank you, thank you. I’m playing here all weekend……. maybe.
Hey that dog is smoking a pipe!
A true pipe smoker. He's willing to beg to pay for his blends...
😏
😏
Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent BALD EAGLE in the middle of the road.
When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.
I suppose one could say it was a Tragic Case of Killing Two Stones with One Bird.
I haven't had a "groaner" in quite a while... tnx.
You struck a pose there like “Grumpy Cat”😂😂
P.S. Been there done that, you’re not alone brother🙂