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Shits & Giggles (Jokes)

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  • There are some people here in Montana that wouldn’t even be able to do their job if an EV was the only choice.  I’m not talking about OTR truck drivers either.
  • opipemanopipeman Master
    @RockyMountainBriar;
    That isn't confined to just Montana. 
  • That’s kinda disgusting.
  • motie2motie2 Master
    @RockyMountainBriar

    The same company makes pickle bandages. Would that be better?
  • Maybe, it wouldn’t look so much like a gaping wound.
  • I just got sucked down a bandaid rabbit hole.
  • A friend of my brothers, and now a friend of mine through that association, who was one of the Navy Corpsman that served with my brothers Marine Unit in Iraq happened into a job with “American Ninja Warrior” as an on-site medic for a few years as a civilian.  He told of one of the competitors having a very small, almost unnoticeable, scratch/cut on his finger coming in for medical attention.  He had just the right bandaid for the “man’s” injury, it was a “Hello Kitty” bandaid.😂😂😂
  • motie2motie2 Master
    @Zouave1864
    Happens to me all the time…….
  • opipemanopipeman Master
    @PappyJoe;
    I came face to face with a Bigfoot years ago. Nobody would believe him.
  • motie2motie2 Master
    THE SENILITY PRAYER:  

    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, 
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, 
    and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    *********
    Now, I think you're supposed to share this with others.
    Forward it to a bunch of your friends….
    if you can remember who they are!
  • KA9FFJKA9FFJ Master
    edited August 14
    Love the senility prayer. I pray that ever day... at least I think I do...
  • KA9FFJKA9FFJ Master
    Saw this on Facebook and thought it worth sharing:

  • Reprinted from "True"
    An alleged shoplifter at a Walmart store in Lakeland, Fla., absconded with several items, “including jewelry and other handheld game systems” worth a total of $167, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office. “Deputies pursued [the suspect] as he attempted his getaway on a stolen electric Walmart scooter,” the department said in an online post. Troyson Raymond, 35, “hit speeds of about 2 mph on the scooter before deputies caught up to him” — in front of a Dunkin’ Donuts. Raymond was booked into jail pending a $13,500 bond, charged with petit theft (a felony due to Raymond having multiple prior convictions), felony grand theft (of the $1,325 cart), and unlawful possession of a shopping cart. “Yes,” the department added, “we avoided the temptation to charge Fleeing To Elude.” The PCSO illustrated their post with a highly detailed cartoon, including a snail, turtle, and sloth trailing the cart while deputies stopped at Dunkin’ for donuts.
  • @motie2
    I think you last post here was not a comic or joke just because it had “comic like” illustrations…It should have been in political…just say’in..
  • motie2motie2 Master
    @RockyMountainBriar

    Agreed. Apologies. Unforced error.
  • A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big departmentstore looking for a job.
    The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
    Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After thestore was locked up, the boss came down.
    "How many sales did you make today?"
    The kid says, "One."
    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.How much was the sale for?"
    Kid says, "$101,237.64."
    Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
    Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
    Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
  • Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

    Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers:  If you do find one, what’s your plan?

    The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

    Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

    You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen.’

    How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives over  200 years.  So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

    I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

    If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

    When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it."

    I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

    Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

    We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

    The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

    When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.” 

    It’s weird being the same age as old people.

    Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond "CLOSE ENOUGH."

    Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.  They seem like good people.

    If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

    We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

    You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means knowing someone who can drive at night.

    Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

    After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

    Some of my friends exercise every day.  Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

     For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version; it doesn’t listen to anything.

    I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad,’ and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.

    Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.

    Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

    The pessimist complains about the wind.   The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.

    There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

    Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

    I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

    My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

    Exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.


  • @Zouave1864
    In response to your “Don’t elect lawyers” comment in “Good & Welfare” and the reason I am posting here.

    WARNING:  TO EVERYONE,
    THIS IS JUST A JOKE, PLEASE DON’T GO OFF HALF-COCKED.

    Why do lawyers wear neckties?

    To keep the foreskin down😳😬


  • motie2motie2 Master

    Well, now.... here's something I never knew before, and now that I have come to know it, Ifeel compelled to share it with my friends in the hope that they too, will feel edified.

    OTOH, can what follows even possibly be true?

    <<Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

    Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

    This famous English longhow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

    Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying. See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird.">>

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