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Unusual Pipe Tales

Sometime in the early 1970s, I purchased my first brand new Peterson. It was by far the most expensive pipe I had ever owned. As I recall, it cost about $50 at the time.

I had only owned it for a few days and had smoked it but a few times. I had it with me on the road, and somehow the pipe managed to fall out of my car when I was either opening or closing the door. Of course, it then proceeded to roll under the car. I'll never forget the sound it made as I drove over it with a white Triumph TR3.

I was not particularly amused at the time, but looking back on it I guess it was rather funny. Kind of reminds me of the old Spike Jones tune in which he runs an expensive violin through a garbage disposal.
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    @pappyjoe Quick dry time and they are only $4, so its no biggie if you lose it fighting that monster fish!
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    Topaz75Topaz75 Professor
    A couple of years ago, we adopted a rescue dog that had unfortunately ended up in an animal shelter in Memphis. Her name is Shelby and she's a beautiful Shetland Sheep Dog X.

    About the third day we had her, I guess she decided to demonstrate just how smart she was. I had been smoking my pipe in the living room, and after finishing the bowl I emptied the pipe and left it in an ashtray. A few minutes later, as I was sitting at a computer in another room, Shelby showed up and dropped the pipe at my feet. She had taken it out of the ashtray and brought it to me.

    My wife was quite impressed with how clever the dog was in doing this. Never missing an opportunity to be the contrarian, I wryly commented that the dog had neglected to bring me any tobacco.
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    @Topaz75 I had a Border Collie named Domino who would pull his leash down from the door knob and bring it to me whenever he saw me grab my pipe and tobacco pouch from the bookcase. He knew I was going outside for a smoke and insisted upon joining me. Miss that old dog. 
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    motie2motie2 Master
    edited October 2017
    Story from an old timer. <<Nearly forty years ago, I had a bowl of Dunhill Royal Yacht that was one of my most fondly remembered smokes. It was a late summer day, at a picnic laid out on a plaid blanket, and enough Riesling. Afterwards, sitting there, then laying back, looking at clouds, I lit a bowl of Royal Yacht one of several Dunhill's I enjoyed. More Riesling. The pipe smoking was spec-tac-u-lar!. Ironically, if that's the right word (and I suspect it isn't), that blend has become my bane. When I tried it, I smelled ammonia in the bowl.... or I thought I did. And it's been that way ever since that afternoon in the park.>>

    Of course, it could've been the Riesling.
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    :D@Topaz75 The dog story... Now that's funny! I don't care who you are...

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    @motie2 Thank goodness you weren't in charge of the late night campfire tales when I was a Cub Scout. You would have scared the you-know-what out of most of us. What a tale...
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    @motie2 now thats a great story...
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    @KA9FFJ and @Corey562 --Thank you both for the kind words. Not my story, but a good one......
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    One of the good ones, thanks.
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    Smokingpipes.com

    Once Upon A Pipe
    Monday, October 16, 2017 by Chuck Stanion

    <<Long ago in a distant land dwelt a cruel king who taxed and imprisoned his subjects beyond credibility. His minister of propaganda was masterful, however, and the king's government had convinced the people that they were free and that every suppression was for their benefit.

    The celestial beings Ignis Dominum and Agri Cultura looked down upon the land and were discontent.

    "That king blows," said Ignis.
    "Chunks, dude," said Agri. "He blows total chunks. I think I'll smite him."
    "Wait. Those ugly, scurrying little humans he dominates — they need some relief."
    Agri smiled. "You're thinking it's time to give them…"
    "Yup."

    So Agri and Ignis gave tobacco to the ugly little humans, and the means to consume it. They taught the humans to build personal fire starters and pipes, and to grow tobacco in delicious varieties. These things brought daily respite from the stresses of being micromanaged by the government. It sharpened their minds and improved their moods. They would now sit for a few minutes each day and contemplate, and as they thought about their lives over plumes of fragrant smoke, they realized that they were being hoodwinked.

    "This is bad," said the king.

    "It's an opportunity," said the minister of propaganda. "We’ll turn this situation into a gigantic pile of gold. We'll convince the people that tobacco is evil, then we'll tax it exorbitantly. Once enough of the proles are convinced, we'll ban it. If anyone balks, we'll imprison them. More slaves, more money, the people back under control — we can't lose."

    "But we can still smoke, right?"
    "Of course."
    "Excellent," said the king. "Let the suppression commence."

    Many people succumbed to the propaganda. Those who continued to smoke were considered unclean and viewed with contempt. But a dedicated group of pipe smokers calling themselves Smokingpipes.hut banded together to provide the people with fine tobaccos and pipes at the lowest prices possible. This group set up shop in a centrally located hut accessible to all, and what smokers were left flocked to it.

    The government hoped the group would succumb to overregulation, but they persevered. More people were smoking again, and eventually they overthrew the cruel king and became a country of happy smokers.

    Ignis and Agri warned the people that the same problem would arise again. "There will always be more who want to control you," they said. "You must be vigilant.">>
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    @Topaz75
    Not really a pipe story, well it is kind of a pipe.  You be the judge :)  When in high school, a member of the band had a very nice, expensive, silver trumpet.  Yep, somehow it was left under the wheels of the charter bus on a road trip.  I never heard it, as it was under another bus, but I saw the aftermath...that was one flat trumpet.  It was expensive enough that is was insured.  Good Thinking.
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    From Smokingpipes.com

    Excommunication By Chicken
    Monday, October 23, 2017 by Chuck Stanion

    When I was a boy in a little farm village in upstate New York, my grandfather and the 10 Tobys (all of his dogs were named Toby) were unceremoniously and permanently expelled from church, much to my grandfather’s vexation. He cared nothing for his own religious instruction, but, because he wasn't particularly expert in the category, felt the Tobys could benefit from the moral guidance.

    My grandfather did a lot of work for the church, and had been given (he called it "incarcerated in") his own private section — because he refused to attend without his pipe or his dogs. "Smoking is how I pray," he insisted. So a section was cordoned off for him, the Tobys, and his pipe. He had a corner in the back near a window so his smoke could escape, and he was relatively pleased, though he occasionally became bored.

    The cause of the religious estrangement was a chicken named Mirabelle that somehow managed to slip in through a church window. Appropriately, the ensuing dog/chicken mayhem was nothing short of Biblical. Mirabelle flapped from one parishioner’s head to another as the Tobys scrambled between the pews, knocking down children, getting stuck under seats, yowling, barking and leaping into the air as the chicken desperately tried to maintain altitude. Parishioners shrieked and dove for cover, the pastor levitated two feet in a supernatural updraft of personal outrage, and my grandfather sat in his roped-off corner, puffing his ever-present Falcon pipe with a sparkle in his eye recognizable only to his closest kin as amusement.

    Finally, as the carnage expanded to every corner of the church and parishioners fled to the street, my grandfather emptied his pipe of the Granger he'd been smoking, refilled it with Carter Hall, and lit up. It was how he signaled the dogs. Granger meant "at ease," while Carter Hall meant "heel." As soon as he lit it, the Tobys returned to him and sat at his feet. One of them had Mirabelle cradled in his jaws and placed her, unharmed, in my grandfather's lap, where she clucked at him about the indignity of the cataclysm. People started reorienting themselves and picking up various detritus left in the swath of the dog/chicken typhoon.

    The pastor was not in a mood for turning the other cheek, especially when he discovered cornmeal spread on the sill of my grandfather's window. That's how my grandfather's Sundays became available for fishing.
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    @motie2 Your mind is scary... Interesting, but scary... :wink:
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    @KA9FFJ -- That's a little weird: it's exactly what SWMBO says about me. 
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    http://www.strangenewengland.com/2015/10/02/tales-gluskabe-king-ghosts/
    Tales of Gluskabe: The King of The Ghosts

    This October, Strange New England will cover ghost stories in a special series of articles with a theme befitting Halloween (or The Day of the Dead, if you celebrate it). We will talk about those denizens of New England who never quite left after death, where they remain and their effects on the living. Just as New England’s history began with the First Nations that greeted European settlers, so will we kick off a whole month of spooky stories with an obscure Abenaki ghost story that comes with a twist.

    There are not many versions of this story, but this one is inspired by the version retold by Tsonakwa and Yolai’kia in their book Seven Eyes, Seven Legs. To date, Tsonakwa and Yolai’kia have the most detailed retelling: Gluskabe and Pogunuk sat around their campfire late one very dark and very unusual night. Even in a time where there was no electricity, the darkness seemed to be thicker and blacker than normal. The sounds of wildlife were barely audible, if at all. Both the god giant and his blue and red fisher friend had to speak loudly to hear each other, but still struggled to be heard. They also threw a lot of wood onto their fire to bring more light and heat to their camp, yet it was still as cold and dark as ever. Both supernatural heroes knew that this was not an ordinary night at all. When the darkness and cold of the deep night was too thick to be penetrated by celestial and man-made light, supernatural mischief must be afoot.

    They turned out to be right. The chieftains of the ghostly tribes were due to meet together on this night for an important occasion. Ghosts, like living humans, have a similar social hierarchy and gather together when the need arose.  The ghostly leaders were to determine who among them was best suited to lead them all as the ‘grand sachem’ or grand chief of all of the ghosts. While traveling to the meeting place, they spotted their opportunity for the challenge they were seeking out. They all decided that whoever could scare these two larger-than-life heroes would be declared the grand chief of the ghosts. They knew Gluskabe and Pogunuk were great heroes who were not easily frightened, but if one of their number could scare these two heroes, he or she would be considered powerful enough and frightening enough to lead them all.

    First, the ghostly figure, Screech Owl Woman, uttered a spell to secure the heroes’ backs to the large pine tree they were sitting against. Forced to sit up and watch, each ghost took a turn to scare the two larger than life heroes. They began with the least frightening ghost chiefs at first, to weed out those who were obviously unfit. They laughed at their non-spooky kinsmen as they each took their turn. Soon, their more frightening chiefs were taking turns. But much to every ghost’s dismay, none of their own frightened him. In fact, Gluskabe laughed with delight at them and told them how entertaining he thought they were. Meanwhile, Pogunuk began to fall asleep.By the time each ghost chief had taken his turn trying to scare the god-giant and his friend, no one was laughing at each other’s expense anymore. All of them were frustrated and annoyed that their efforts to be terrifying were resulting in the snoring and laughter of their intended victims.

    But one ghost still laughed.

    They all turned to hear the tiny laughter of a little ghost child. Tired and frustrated, one of the ghost chiefs then said to this ghost child “If you’re so brave, let’s see YOU scare the Great Gluskabe!” With little ceremony, the ghost child was forced to face the god-giant alone. His eyes grew wide and his little ethereal knees knocked together as he looked up at Gluskabe, who was so much larger than he was. Gluskabe began to feel pity for this little ghost child, who looked up at him with fear in his small, searching eyes. It is also possible that Gluskabe was also feeling very weary as well, since he was being deprived of sleep by this mass of ghosts. To end this tiresome contest once and for all, Gluskabe decided to pretend to be scared. He flailed his arms and legs all around and then proceeded to faint in an over-reaching display of mock fear. He even stuck his tongue out when he pretended to faint for added effect.

    Gluskabe’s performance of being scared was so convincing, that it left all of the ghost chieftains astonished and humiliated. By the rules of their contest, the little ghost child that no one thought was frightening became the one who ruled them all. He became even bolder after this victory and stole Gluskabe’s tobacco pipe, holding it aloft with pride while the other ghosts, chiefs and all, escorted him to their meeting wigwam. As the dawn rose, Gluskabe saw the ghosts grow invisible. It now looked like the pipe was floating in the air down the dirt road all by itself.

    As Pogunuk began to wake up, Gluskabe confided in his friend:”I should not have made such a big deal over such a small thing. Now, I’ve lost my smoking pipe.” They also were left struggling to get up, because Screech Owl  Woman had not uttered a spell to get them unstuck from the pine tree. After much pulling and pushing, they finally managed to stand up and go after the stolen pipe with large pieces of pine bark still stuck to their backs. Bare patches were left on the pine tree as a result.

    According to Tsonakwa and Yolai’kia, the Abenaki tribes never feared ghosts, because they knew from this story that despite being terrifying in sound and appearance, they were all led by a small, overconfident child who was far less powerful and frightening than he thought he was.

    There is not much written about this story. However, it does contain a valuable moral: never make a big deal out of something small.
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    The Pipe Cleaner Twist -- https://pipedia.org/docs/Leopaldo_PipeCleanerTwist.pdf

    The Pipe Show Murder -- https://pipedia.org/docs/Leoplado_PipeShowMurder.pdf

    Briarroot writes this heartwarming tale -- <<I remember a year or two ago at the Columbus pipe show.  I had a little table with some pipes set out on it to sell or trade or whatnot.  This little old lady comes strolling by with a box of a dozen or so pipes. She says they were her husband's, who passed on a few years back, and she was just trying to raise some money as things were tight that month.  I doubt I was the first table she visited, as I was in the middle of the room.  Well, she seemed really sweet, and a bit distraught, so I took a look at the pipes.  They were all beat up low grades.  Many cracked bowls and and bit through stems.  Well, I really just couldn't bring myselt to turn her away, so I told her I'd give her $50 for the whole box.  She just seemed to sag with relief. I'd sold a few pipes, so I had the cash, and hell, you can't take it with you.  It just seemed like the right thing to do.  I gave her the money and she tottered off.  Judd...damn if i can remember his name.  But Judd from eBay fame, was at the next table.  He said, "That's a good thing you just did there."  "Yep," I replied.  He looked through the box and said he'd give me $10 bucks for the lot.  I picked out two pipes to remember the occasion by and let him have them.>>
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    Tim Parker wrote:

    <<About 10 or 12 years ago, I was attending a small get-together in my neighbor's back yard (our back yards adjoined one another).  We were most of us pipe & cigar smokers so I felt comfortable smoking one of my nameless billiards while holding a mug of iced tea.  I was leaning against the back fence talking with one of the female guests when I noticed her attention wavering.  Suddenly, a furry paw came out of nowhere and swatted my right ear!  I opened my mouth to yelp in surprise and down dropped my pipe straight into the mug of iced tea - plop, sizzle!  It seems that, Jack, my 15-lb tomcat, had been sneaking up on me for some minutes by walking along the top of the fence separating our properties.  Alicia, the lady I had been speaking with, howled with laughter along with the other guests as I ruefully retrieved my sodden pipe and attempted to scold Jack who just sat there looking smug (the varmint!).  I wish someone had taken a snapshot of that moment! He was a character, that cat.>>
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    One of the few sounds I've heard in my lifetime that I'll never forget was the sound of my favorite work pipe getting ground to a pulp in a screw conveyor.  
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    From Smokingpipes.com

    Macramé and Time Machines
    Monday, October 30, 2017 by Chuck Stanion

    Wandering through the flea market a while back, I ran across a booth by the name of "Burt's Macramé Emporium and Time Machines." Burt himself was humming and smoking a pipe as he meandered about, adjusting displays. Anytime I see a pipe smoker, I'm curious, and I was intrigued by the booth anyway.

    "Welcome!" Burt bellowed as I walked in. He was smoking a mixture I was unfamiliar with, highlighting not-so-subtle notes of burning tires and overheated electrical wiring. "Need some macramé? Dumb question; everybody needs macramé! We got macramé toaster covers, macramé tapestries, macramé curtains; we got macramé hubcap covers right here, got a macramé doghouse over yonder by that macramé canoe, got macramé coasters and doilies and ceiling fan blade covers. Here’s a set of macramé salt-and-pepper shakers—you don't need to turn them over, just shake them over your food; real time saver. You look like a man who knows his macramé; what’s your pleasure, friend?"

    "I mainly stopped because I saw you smoking, and I like talking with other pipe guys." I held up my own pipe as evidence of my sincerity. "But I'm interested in your time machines."

    "Yep, my whole family smokes pipes. My sweet grandmother, rest her soul, taught me how to smoke a pipe when I was yay high. 'Now when you smoke at school,' she said, 'do it only in the restroom, the teachers' lounge when you can sneak in, or an alley. Not in class, or I'll hide you with a switch that'll leave marks your future grandkids in heaven will feel. We've been through that already with your cousin Theo.' We all smoke our own secret mixture, grown right on the family farm—we call it 'Armageddon.' You won't find it in any tobacco store, that's for sure. Here, have a puff." He held out the miniature trash fire for my assessment.

    I backed up a step. "No, that's OK, I could smell it from the midway and it's a real attention-getter."

    "You bet it is. Few have the stamina to survive it, and the aroma is like nothing else. I have people stopping me all the time, especially volunteer firefighters, strangely. But listen, brother, you don't need no time machine; they don't work anyway. What you need is macramé."

    "Burt, if I bring one more piece of macramé into the house my wife will have me sleeping in my macramé hammock in the garage. But I do need a time machine."

    Crestfallen, Burt led me to a corner of the Emporium. "Here we go, we got four of them, built by my cousin Theo completely out of macramé. I don't know the power source, but this last one started to glow green when he pulled this macramé cord." I pulled the cord and nothing happened. "You gotta talk into the macramé speaking tube," said Burt, "and tell it where and when you want to go, but, like I said, it don't work."

    "Is Theo around?"

    "Disappeared shortly after he made this last machine. Left quick, too; he only took one pipe, a Kaywoodie Billiard I liked a lot. Damn nice pipe. Ran off with a woman, I reckon. He always had an eye for women and Kaywoodies."

    I tried everything but failed to activate the time machine. "You say he smoked the same mixture as you? Armageddon?" Burt nodded. "May I borrow your pipe?" I asked.

    I took a puff and immediately became dizzy. It was like transporting to the inner ring of the 7th circle of hell, but I pulled the cord and spoke into the speaking tube, making sure there was plenty of smoke in my breath: "Duke Street, London, 1920s."

    And I was there, standing in front of the Alfred Dunhill shop. Amazed, I went in and the clerk gave me a strange look, probably because I was in cargo shorts and Nikes. The shop was filled with wonders: Dunhill lighters, pipe racks, sterling silver pipe stands and pipes galore, all for a small fraction of the cost I'm accustomed to.

    I asked to look at pipes and the clerk cheered up, asking about my shape preferences. We talked pipes for a while and he seemed to become more comfortable. Pipes are a universal language. I found two fantastic Dunhill Shell Briar Billiards, and after some confusing conversation about exchange rates, found they were about $8 each, but the clerk was suspicious when I proffered my debit card. "What, good sir, might this be?" "Sorry, man; it's how we pay for stuff in America. I have cash." I offered him a crisp $20 bill. He examined it and said, "Sadly, we do not accept American currency dated 2015. Is this some sort of counterfeiting attempt? I fear I must summon the police." He walked to the street and started shouting for a cop, and I ran. Groups of people stared at me like I'd just escaped from a primate exhibit. With whistles sounding behind me, I found a garbage pile in an alley to hide behind and unthinkingly took a puff of the pipe I felt in my hand, forgetting that it was Burt's. Vertigo swept over me and I found myself swimming through the space/time continuum once again. I opened my eyes to see I was back in the Macramé Emporium.

    "See?" said Burt. "It don't work." I shook my head like a wet dog to clear my mind. "I want it," I said. "Fi'teen bucks takes her away," said Burt. "Sold," I said. "And I need to purchase some of your tobacco."

    "Oh, that can't happen," said Burt. "A puff or two is OK, but you got to be genetically predisposed to survive it. My family has generations of tolerance built up, but there's a special ward at the mental hospital for outsiders who've tried to smoke more. Poor unfortunates will never be the same. It would be irresponsible to let you have any."

    "Even just a couple of bowls' worth?"

    "Sorry, brother. I'd never sleep again."

    I left without the time machine, knowing it wouldn't work without Armageddon.

    I thought of the episode only rarely afterward, but a couple of months later I read an interesting article in one of my favorite magazines. Paleontologists had uncovered an almost-complete Tyrannosaurus fossil in Great Britain and were terribly excited. The scientists were puzzled, though, because there was a fossilized Kaywoodie Billiard approximately where the beast's stomach cavity would have been.

    Poor Theo.
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    These have all been great reads. @motie2 is probably one who would appreciate them all being bound together. I have been using this category for reading while enjoying a bowl now and then...
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    @KA9FFJ -- Thanks, and may I add, "73's"?
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    Good reads, guys.  Thanks!
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