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Best Joke Ever
Today, I remembered my best joke ever! When the kids were young, Josh asked me, "What are the advantages and disadvantages of plastic surgery?" I BEAMED! I finally got to tell this joke. Laura jumped in, "KIDS, WHATEVER DAD SAYS, DON'T BELIEVE HIM!. Josh has already put his head on the table. Grace was too young to understand.
"The major disadvantage of plastic surgery it that it is very hard to get a good cut with plastic knife!"
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This tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco, a block or two from the waterfront. Looking around at the exotic items, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It bore no price tag, but was so strikingly detailed he must have it.
He takes it to the salesperson at the counter, an elderly Asian, probably the owner. "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollar for rat. One hundred dollar for story."
The tourist handed the man a ten and two ones. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street.
He quickened his pace. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began to squeal.
He began to run, toward the Bay, looking over his shoulder to see what appeared to be a moving river, a surging sea of rats, thousands of them, squealing and coming toward him.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats surged around him, jumping like lemmings into the Bay, it appeared, following the bronze rat to a watery death. All were drowned.
Of course, the tourist raced back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You come back for story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze [Here insert the political party you demonize.]"
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BCE), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So, you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.